As I write this post, I am sitting in an office in Toowoomba, Queensland, Australia. Tonight I speak to a group of business owners in Brisbane (about 2 hours by car). This is not my first opportunity to work with people in a different country. To date, I have worked in Canada, Germany, England, Scotland, Switzerland, Holland, China, Thailand, Taiwan and now — Australia. This trip has triggered a thought for me that directly affects our approaches to resolving conflict with people at work and at home.

     In driving through Queensland and working with various people here, I am struck by many things. The country side looks like other places I have been, and it is also different. The buildings look like other places I have been, and they are different. The businesses are like others I have visited in the past, and they are different.     

      The differences create energy and enthusiasm for me on this trip. They give me something to focus on as I work to gain greater understanding of this beautiful country, its culture, and its people. The differences provide learning opportunities.    

     In conversation, it’s even a bit fun to joke and laugh about the differences. I have enjoyed lively banter about how Australians and Americans are different.     

     In jest, it’s fun to talk about our differences. In conflict, focusing on differences can destroy the relationship and ultimately the team.

     As I look around Australia and reflect on my experiences in other places with other people and cultures, I realize that we have many more similarities than differences. If we have more similarities across the world than we do differences, I think the same is probably true with the people we work and live with on a daily basis.

     The differences between us bring spark and energy to the team. They show us different perspectives and approaches to the many situations we address every day. They provide opportunities to learn from each other. They can also create discord and strife if we focus on them too strongly.

     So, here’s my closing thought from “down under.” The next time you find yourself in a conflict with a co-worker, family member, or fellow volunteer — look for your similarities. The differences will be pretty obvious. You may feel tempted to focus on them because they frustrate you. Resist this urge. Look for similarities. Look for common ground. That’s where you will likely find the way forward to resolve your conflict.

      Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer 
 

     Conflicts often arise when people have unmet needs. People will do everything in their power to get their needs met. They often start the search to have their needs met with a “whisper.” The whisper can take many forms depending on the person. When the whisper is not heard, they often raise the volume until they begin to “yell.” Like the whisper, the yell can take many forms.

     Outgoing, task-oriented, dominant people may whisper by tapping their foot or finger. They may yell by demanding results and respect.

     Outgoing, people-oriented, inspiring people may whisper by joking or laughing. They may yell by becoming sarcastic and emotional.

     Reserved, people-oriented, supportive people may whisper by becoming silent and looking away. They may yell by withdrawing and avoiding contact.

     Reserved, task-oriented, cautious people may whisper by asking questions and appealing to rules or procedures. They may yell by criticizing and condemning.

     The expression of the search may be different for different people, the reason is the same: unmet needs. In any conversation, and especially in a conflict conversation, pay attention to the whisper, and do everything in your power to meet the other person’s needs. Do this, and you reduce the chance that they will begin to “yell.” 

     Is there anyone in your life that is whispering to you about their needs?

I owe the thought behind this post to Jeanine Fitzgerald. Jeanine is one of the most amazing people I know. She is a fantastic educator. This week, she sat in on a training session that I co-facilitated. During the session, she shared the thought captured in the title of this post.

If you want to know how to become a better parent, educator, or business leader; I strongly recommend that you read her book: The Dance of Interaction.

  Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer

     Conflicts with supervisors or people in positions of authority seem to come up frequently in my work. People often ask me how to confront their supervisor or manager to address frustrations and irritations.    

     I start by recommending caution. Confronting someone who has the positional authority to retaliate against you presents some very real political risks. That being said, here’s one approach I have found that often works well, and it significantly reduces the risk of retaliation:     

     Use an apologetic attitude.

     The apologetic attitude starts when you Deliver the invitation to meet and it continues throughout your discussion of the conflict. In practice, it goes something like this as you Deliver the invitation:

     According to research cited by Daniel Goleman in a video recorded at a TED conference last year, humans have a natural bent towards compassion. 
 
     Reflecting on this video, Tammy Lenski over at Conflict Zen says:

     I am pretty reserved and definitely task-oriented. I care about people, but I expect people to behave logically.  When I work, I focus very intently on the work in front of me. Distractions and interruptions frustrate and annoy me.

     My wife is outgoing and more task-oriented than people-oriented. She likes to move fast. She tends to make decisions on-the-fly and to work in a stream-of-consciousness fashion. She finds it easy to jump from topic to topic or from task to task.

     My oldest daughter is much like me with a female perspective. She is a bit more sensitive than I am, but not much. She recently told me that she often does not like people because they do things that do not make sense. We have a running joke between us that one of us hurt the other’s feeling. (Yes, feeling is singular and not plural.)

     My youngest daughter is a lot like my wife. She moves fast, talks fast, and decides fast. She is different from my wife in that she tends a little more towards the people-oriented side of life. She loves to laugh, have fun, and play. She often leaves clothes on the floor or dishes on the counter because she “forgot” about them in moving on to the next thing.

     I struggle with understanding the three female perspectives on life that live in the same house with me. I struggle to shift mental gears when either my wife or my youngest daughter makes a request of me with an “oh, by the way…” start while I’m working on a project that requires focus.

     My wife struggles to find ways to communicate with me that respect my need to stay focused on my current task-at-hand without interruption. She struggles to slow down and allow my oldest daughter the time she needs to process requests before answering. She also struggles to restrain her frustration when my youngest daughter fails to follow-through on a task.

     My oldest daughter struggles to understand and value her sister’s more light-hearted perspective on life. She has to guard against her own perfectionism when she comments on her sister’s singing. She also struggles with her mother’s intensity and drive when tasks need to be finished in a short period of time. To her, her mother looks angry, and she often responds accordingly by withdrawing from rather than engaging with her mother.

     My youngest daughter struggles to allow me to work without interruption. She finds it difficult to stay quiet or to work without music when I am working on business matters. She can run afoul of her mother with her occasionally too quick wit and mouth. She really gets frustrated with her sister’s performance expectations.

     In a nutshell, that is my team, my family, my work unit. And somehow we have to find a way to make this work.

     We all understand the DISC model of human behavior. We all work to understand each other’s perspective. We work (almost) every day to apply what I have learned professionally to our family dynamic. It’s still hard work.

     How different are we from your family or your business team?

     I would guess, not very.

     We are all similar, and yet we are different. We have different levels of maturity, different levels of knowledge, different levels of skill, and different perspectives on the “right” way to do things.

     Still, we have to find a way to make this work.

     All the knowledge and skills in the world won’t make a difference in the functioning of a family or a team without a desire and willingness to make it work. As one of my mentors taught me, “commitment and compatibility are two different things.”

     As you move forward in your business and personal life, I encourage you to focus more on commitment than on compatibility.

     After all, we have to find a way to make this work.

     Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer