Archive for June, 2008

I just read this on Kevin’s blog. This is a fantastic idea for building better relationships.Kevin’s Blog Entry – U-Pick

Here are some books that I highly recommend for anyone who desires to grow in their leadership, communication, and conflict resolution skills.

QBQ! The Question Behind The Question

QBQ addresses the issue of personal accountability and responsibility. It is a fast read that really makes an impact.

The Anatomy of Peace

The Anatomy of Peace addresses the key mindset of effective conflict resolution. It asks the question: “Is your heart at peace or is it at war with the other person?” This book has really affected how I approach conflict situations.

Leadership & Self-Deception

Leadership and Self-Deception is the first book by the Arbinger Institute on the issue of how we view others in leadership and in conflict. Although it was published first, the story picks-up after the events described in The Anatomy of Peace.

Read and enjoy these great books.

Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer

     Recently, I was speaking with participants in a training class about communication strategies to resolve conflicts between team members.  I shared with them that a genuine sense of curiosity about the other person’s perspective often goes a long way towards resolution, and that this sense of curiosity often reveals itself by the questions we ask of the other person during the conflict conversation.    

     As we discussed the value of good question asking technique, it became clear to me that most of us do not naturally ask good questions. Rather than ask questions for the real purpose of gathering more information and better understanding of the other person, we make statements disguised as questions. For example:

     Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer

For additional suggestions on asking better questions you can see an article I wrote:

 http://www.principledriven.com/july_2006.htm

My friend and colleague, Kevin Eikenberrry, also wrote a great article on the topic:

http://www.kevineikenberry.com/uypw/ezine/07/issue4_40_print.asp

     He was born in 1917. As the oldest son of a west Texas farmer, he became the man of the family at 17 when his father died. He raised his younger sister, took care of his mother, and married his sweetheart from east Texas.

     He worked a dairy farm. He worked construction. He worked with sheet metal. He worked with his hands until he became a sales engineer in the early days of commercial air conditioning in the Dallas-Fort Worth area.

     Along the way, he cared for his family, loved his wife, and disciplined his three sons. He set an example of ethical behavior, honest speech, and unswerving integrity. His second son followed his example of hard work and honesty.

     The second son worked as a house painter. He worked with his hands until he graduated from college and began to teach. He moved from teaching to writing for newspapers to writing for utility companies. Like his father before him, he stood for honesty and integrity.

     He also cared for his family, loved his wife, and disciplined his children. He too set a great example.

     Two generations of leaders in their communities, their businesses, and their families. They set an example and they mentored others to become leaders as well. They set the example for me of what it means to be a leader, a husband, a father…a man.

     They are my grandfather and my father.

     My grandfather died in January of 2004. He was a great man all the way to the end. He never stopped taking care of my grandmother, and he never stopped setting a good example. My father now lives in Florida with my Mom. He still takes care of her, and he still sets a great example.

     I have learned about integrity, honesty, and character from many sources at this point in my life. None of them has been as important as my grandfather and my father. As Father’s day passes this year, I am reminded of the legacy of leadership they left for me. I hope and pray that, I too, will leave a similar legacy for my two daughters and their children.

Apology is a highly under used approach in resolving conflicts. Many people avoid apologizing because they see it as a sign of weakness or as giving in to the demands of the other person.

In a role-play exercise I participated in recently, I was reminded of the amazing power of honest , sincere apologies. In the class scenario, I had to initiate a conflict resolution discussion with another class participant. I began by apologizing for the situation without admitting wrongdoing. Despite his best effort to go on the offensive and test my conversational skills, he said that the apology triggered an emotional response that he could not force himself to overcome. He said that he felt compelled to back down from a confrontation.

This scenario happened in a classroom environment, and it happened without any real emotional involvement. Still, it highlights what Dan Dana (author of Conflict Resolution and Managing Differences) calls the inhibitory reflex – the natural emotional response most of us have when someone offers us any kind of concession.

Far from weakness, a humble, well-phrased, and well-intended apology wields great power. It can shift a heated debate from a “wrestler’s circling the ring” situation to a civil discussion of honest differences of opinion. The next time you find yourself in a conflict situation, try it out. Offer an apology and watch the other person soften before your eyes.

Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer