Archive for July, 2008

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   As I was looking through some of my favorite blogs this evening, I found this post by Tammy Lenski – 7 phrases you can’t say in conflict resolution. In her post, Tammy lists some of the communication errors we often encounter in the process of resolving conflict. I read and enjoyed Tammy’s post, and then a thought hit me. Six of the seven blunder’s shift blame and minimize personal responsibility.

   The original post contained great content, and I certainly don’t want to minimize Tammy’s work. That being said, here are some amplifying thoughts on the six points that struck me.

1. “Don’t take it personally.” This statement subtly implies that the other person’s emotions have no merit. It says that they should listen to our frustrations, fears, and concerns without having any of their own.
2. “He’s a difficult person.” This simple statement makes the conflict entirely the other person’s fault. It shifts blame without regard to what we might have done to encourage the other person to become “difficult.”
3. “She can’t handle change.” Another blame shifting statement. With a few words, we can make the conflict the other person’s fault without acknowledging that we may be moving too quickly or not considering the other person’s viewpoint.
4. “Be respectful.” As Tammy indicated in her post, 20 different people can have 20 different definitions of what “respectful” looks like. This statement is also a subtle blame shifting comment. In effect, telling the other person to “be respectful” says that any harsh, unkind, or unthoughtful words we might utter are the result of their “disrespect.”
5. “Control yourself.” Similar to “Be respectful.” We just told the other person that their out-of-control (based on our perception) behavior is the cause for anything we might have done to contribute to the conflict. This is a self-justifying statement.
6. “You shouldn’t feel that way.” This statement came from the comments to the original post. Who are we to tell someone else how they “should” feel or what they “should” think. This statement is patronizing. It implies that we somehow see the truth more clearly than the other person in the conflict.

   One of the keys to avoiding these errors begins with the mindset that we take into a conflict. When we own our contribution to the conflict and then focus our energies on understanding the other person’s perspective and clearly communicating our concerns without shifting blame, we can avoid these conflict resolution errors.  

   Many thanks to Tammy for creating the original list.
  

   Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer

In my previous post, I provided a link to a really funny video by Bill Harley. I recommend you watch it before reading this post for two reasons:

This video is now here.

This post is now here.

     Do you know anyone who consistently encourages other people? If you do, do you find it difficult to get angry with them? I know someone like that. He is a man in my church. He has been in the community for many years, and everyone I know loves him. It seems that everyone has only good things to say about him. Even when he does something frustrating, it’s almost impossible to get angry with him. A few days ago, my two daughters were discussing some events at our church. In the course of  the conversation, this gentleman’s name came up, and my oldest daughter said: “He’s so nice. It’s impossible to not like him.”    

     Today, I was looking through the finalists for Kevin Eikenberry’s Best Leadership Blog’s  contest. While perusing the blogs, I found Steve Farber’s post on helping someone else be Greater Than Yourself (GTY). In Steve’s post, he commented on this type of behavior in light of great leadership. I agree with him that people who lift other’s up tend to develop greater influence, and therefore leadership, with others.    

     In the context of conflict resolution, how much relational “capital” would you have with others if you made it a point to look for ways to encourage and lift them up before you had a conflict. How would your past behaviors help you to resolve a current conflict more quickly and productively? I think you would be much further ahead if you had that reputation.  On the extreme opposite side of the issue, I think most of us would agree that discouraging others would put you ”in the hole” with them? That concept is pretty easy to see.    

     What if your behaviors were not that extreme? What if you did not actually discourage people? What if you just failed to consistently encourage them? You would definitely miss the benefit of the other person feeling about you the way my daughters feel about the encourager in our church. You would certainly miss the benefit of the doubt when the inevitable conflict arose in your relationship. You might even start just a little “in the hole.” 

     These thoughts have challenged me today. I think I’ll go look for some opportunities to encourage people. I hope you will do the same.

     Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer

     Another article I wrote on a related topic: Choose to Become an Encourager
     Photo from http://www.sxc.hu/ 

Redirected to it’s new location at www.BusinessRelationshipRx.com.

Here’s a great post by Bud Bilanich that I found today. Read and enjoy.

Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer