Archive for July, 2008

This blog post is a reprint of my most recent newsletter article. I intend to expand each of these seven tips in separate posts over the next few weeks. I am posting this article here to make it easier for you to review all of the material that relates to the coming series of posts. 

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Recently, I read a report on what happens in our bodies when we perceive a threat. Our adrenal glands flood our bodies with adrenaline as we prepare to either fight or flee. In that moment, our intelligence diminishes, and we revert to automatic rather than thoughtful behaviors.Many conflicts begin with a perception of threat. As a result, we experience a rush of adrenaline that lowers our intelligence so that we do not communicate well during the conflict. With that wonderful thought in mind, I offer these seven ways to improve your communication when you find yourself in a conflict situation. Focus on these seven tips, and you will more effectively communicate your way to a resolved conflict.

1. Focus on behaviors and not on your interpretations

The perception of threat that often creates the conflict escalation cycle usually stems from how we view what other people do and say. This view often comes from our interpretation of a behavior more than it does from the behavior itself. For example, when someone speaks loudly and directly, we may interpret their behaviors to indicate that they are angry. Maybe they are. Maybe they are not. All we really know is that they spoke loudly and directly. As you communicate with other people, focus on and speak to their behaviors more than you speak to your interpretation of their behaviors.

2. Avoid the use of “always” and “never”

When you comment on another person’s behavior, avoid these two communication killers. Rarely does someone “always” or “never” do or say anything. If you throw these two words into the conversation, you just added fuel to the fire and helped to escalate rather than to resolve the conflict.

3. Use “I” statements

At some point in the conflict conversation, you will eventually need to address your interpretations of their behaviors. When this time comes, phrase your interpretation in the form of an “I” statement. Using the behavior mentioned above as an example, you could say something like:

   As I was looking through some of my favorite blogs this evening, I found this post by Tammy Lenski – 7 phrases you can’t say in conflict resolution. In her post, Tammy lists some of the communication errors we often encounter in the process of resolving conflict. I read and enjoyed Tammy’s post, and then a thought hit me. Six of the seven blunder’s shift blame and minimize personal responsibility.

   The original post contained great content, and I certainly don’t want to minimize Tammy’s work. That being said, here are some amplifying thoughts on the six points that struck me.

1. “Don’t take it personally.” This statement subtly implies that the other person’s emotions have no merit. It says that they should listen to our frustrations, fears, and concerns without having any of their own.
2. “He’s a difficult person.” This simple statement makes the conflict entirely the other person’s fault. It shifts blame without regard to what we might have done to encourage the other person to become “difficult.”
3. “She can’t handle change.” Another blame shifting statement. With a few words, we can make the conflict the other person’s fault without acknowledging that we may be moving too quickly or not considering the other person’s viewpoint.
4. “Be respectful.” As Tammy indicated in her post, 20 different people can have 20 different definitions of what “respectful” looks like. This statement is also a subtle blame shifting comment. In effect, telling the other person to “be respectful” says that any harsh, unkind, or unthoughtful words we might utter are the result of their “disrespect.”
5. “Control yourself.” Similar to “Be respectful.” We just told the other person that their out-of-control (based on our perception) behavior is the cause for anything we might have done to contribute to the conflict. This is a self-justifying statement.
6. “You shouldn’t feel that way.” This statement came from the comments to the original post. Who are we to tell someone else how they “should” feel or what they “should” think. This statement is patronizing. It implies that we somehow see the truth more clearly than the other person in the conflict.

   One of the keys to avoiding these errors begins with the mindset that we take into a conflict. When we own our contribution to the conflict and then focus our energies on understanding the other person’s perspective and clearly communicating our concerns without shifting blame, we can avoid these conflict resolution errors.  

   Many thanks to Tammy for creating the original list.
  

   Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer

In my previous post, I provided a link to a really funny video by Bill Harley. I recommend you watch it before reading this post for two reasons:

Check out the second video on this page by Bill Harley:

http://www.billharley.com/videos.asp (the video is titled “Is Not Is Too”) My family and I saw him at an outdoor concert in Indianapolis a few weeks ago. Bill is a great story telling musician. This is a really funny look at how NOT to resolve a conflict.

Enjoy,

Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer

     Conflicts often go badly because of poor communication skills. I once read the results of a survey that indicated one of the leading causes of conflicts escalating to violence was the inability to communicate effectively. I could not find that source again as I wrote this post. So, I am uncomfortable claiming the statistic as the absolute truth. However, it does make sense.

     In The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, Patrick Lencioni makes the point that people don’t have a need to get their way so much as they have a need to be heard and understood. If we accept the premise that people need to be understood, then a feeling that we are not understood can trigger some pretty strong emotions. After all, a need, not a desire or wish, is going unfulfilled. Unfulfilled needs always create a strong emotional response (for example: hunger, thirst, sleep, etc.).

     When we can’t communicate our thoughts, feelings, and frustrations, we feel misunderstood. This feeling creates an emotional response in us that we probably communicate to the other person in our body language and tone. They sense our heightened emotional state, and they respond in kind. (Our emotions generally take input from external sources – other people. I’ll go into that more later. For now, let’s just run with the idea.)

     Now we have entered what Dan Dana, author of Managing Differences, calls the “retaliatory cycle.” The retaliatory cylce leads to increasing levels of emotion and conflict. Since we have all experienced this situation, almost all of us fear it. It leads to frustration, anger, hurt feelings, broken relationships, and unresolved conflict.

     Is it any wonder we fear, and therefore avoid or attack, when we sense a conflict coming on? We are simply trying to avoid the pain that we anticipate will come.

     One of the keys to breaking this cycle starts with improving communication skills. Improved communication skills is not a silver bullet that will cure all conflicts. It is a huge step in the right direction.

     I’ll be sharing more tips to address this fear later. For now, take a look at these resources I recommend over at my Squidoo page on Good Conflict. You can also look through my Book Recommendation category in this blog.

Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer
Picture courtesy stock.xchg.

     Do you know anyone who consistently encourages other people? If you do, do you find it difficult to get angry with them? I know someone like that. He is a man in my church. He has been in the community for many years, and everyone I know loves him. It seems that everyone has only good things to say about him. Even when he does something frustrating, it’s almost impossible to get angry with him. A few days ago, my two daughters were discussing some events at our church. In the course of  the conversation, this gentleman’s name came up, and my oldest daughter said: “He’s so nice. It’s impossible to not like him.”    

     Today, I was looking through the finalists for Kevin Eikenberry’s Best Leadership Blog’s  contest. While perusing the blogs, I found Steve Farber’s post on helping someone else be Greater Than Yourself (GTY). In Steve’s post, he commented on this type of behavior in light of great leadership. I agree with him that people who lift other’s up tend to develop greater influence, and therefore leadership, with others.    

     In the context of conflict resolution, how much relational “capital” would you have with others if you made it a point to look for ways to encourage and lift them up before you had a conflict. How would your past behaviors help you to resolve a current conflict more quickly and productively? I think you would be much further ahead if you had that reputation.  On the extreme opposite side of the issue, I think most of us would agree that discouraging others would put you ”in the hole” with them? That concept is pretty easy to see.    

     What if your behaviors were not that extreme? What if you did not actually discourage people? What if you just failed to consistently encourage them? You would definitely miss the benefit of the other person feeling about you the way my daughters feel about the encourager in our church. You would certainly miss the benefit of the doubt when the inevitable conflict arose in your relationship. You might even start just a little “in the hole.” 

     These thoughts have challenged me today. I think I’ll go look for some opportunities to encourage people. I hope you will do the same.

     Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer

     Another article I wrote on a related topic: Choose to Become an Encourager
     Photo from http://www.sxc.hu/ 

Redirected to it’s new location at www.BusinessRelationshipRx.com.

Here’s a great post by Bud Bilanich that I found today. Read and enjoy.

Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer