Archive for the ‘Book Recommendation’ Category

     I picked up this book because of the title. I constantly look for good resources to help me and my clients learn to communicate in better and clearer ways. This book accomplishes that goal.

     In many ways, the subtitle – “It’s not what you say, it’s what people hear” – communicates the main idea in this book.

     The author, Frank Luntz, polls people to find out what they heard and how they responded to what they heard for everything from political campaigns to product launches. He has many years of experience in this field.

     The book is filled with communication principles and stories that illustrate the principles.

     On the downside, I felt like the book moved a bit slowly. However, I think that the pace of the book is a minor issue. The lessons learned are well worth working through the content.

     If you want to understand which words work the best and how to use them most effectively, you will want to add this book to your library.

     Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer

     So far, I have read about 75% of this book, and I have found it packed full of great concepts. It’s practical. It’s backed by good research. It’s easy to read.

     Conflicts often arise when people have unmet needs. People will do everything in their power to get their needs met. They often start the search to have their needs met with a “whisper.” The whisper can take many forms depending on the person. When the whisper is not heard, they often raise the volume until they begin to “yell.” Like the whisper, the yell can take many forms.

     Outgoing, task-oriented, dominant people may whisper by tapping their foot or finger. They may yell by demanding results and respect.

     Outgoing, people-oriented, inspiring people may whisper by joking or laughing. They may yell by becoming sarcastic and emotional.

     Reserved, people-oriented, supportive people may whisper by becoming silent and looking away. They may yell by withdrawing and avoiding contact.

     Reserved, task-oriented, cautious people may whisper by asking questions and appealing to rules or procedures. They may yell by criticizing and condemning.

     The expression of the search may be different for different people, the reason is the same: unmet needs. In any conversation, and especially in a conflict conversation, pay attention to the whisper, and do everything in your power to meet the other person’s needs. Do this, and you reduce the chance that they will begin to “yell.” 

     Is there anyone in your life that is whispering to you about their needs?

I owe the thought behind this post to Jeanine Fitzgerald. Jeanine is one of the most amazing people I know. She is a fantastic educator. This week, she sat in on a training session that I co-facilitated. During the session, she shared the thought captured in the title of this post.

If you want to know how to become a better parent, educator, or business leader; I strongly recommend that you read her book: The Dance of Interaction.

  Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer

Here are some books that I highly recommend for anyone who desires to grow in their leadership, communication, and conflict resolution skills.

QBQ! The Question Behind The Question

QBQ addresses the issue of personal accountability and responsibility. It is a fast read that really makes an impact.

The Anatomy of Peace

The Anatomy of Peace addresses the key mindset of effective conflict resolution. It asks the question: “Is your heart at peace or is it at war with the other person?” This book has really affected how I approach conflict situations.

Leadership & Self-Deception

Leadership and Self-Deception is the first book by the Arbinger Institute on the issue of how we view others in leadership and in conflict. Although it was published first, the story picks-up after the events described in The Anatomy of Peace.

Read and enjoy these great books.

Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer

     One challenge I see when people attempt to address a conflict is the desire to ignore or minimize the emotional side of it. They attempt to persuade the other party with logic, data, and reason when the other person just wants to be heard and understood.

          I have been guilty of this error myself. A few years ago, my wife and I were discussing a situation she was experiencing with another person. In the course of her description of the problem to me, she began to discuss what she and the other person were feeling about the situation. I calmly stated something to this effect, “Let’s put emotions aside and look at this rationally.” She immediately responded, “Did you hear yourself? You just asked me to put aside emotions in discussing an emotional topic.” Her comment hit me squarely in the face. I was ignoring emotions even though the topic was emotions.

          In addressing a conflict situation, always remember that factual and substantive issues are typically not the problem. Emotions usuallly are. Give people a chance to vent their emotions. Make every effort to make sure that they feel understood, and you will go a long way towards resolving the conflict. There is no guarantee that letting the other person “talk themselves out” will move you towards resolution. It just works better than trying to put a lid on someone else’s feelings. (A good book on this topic is Beyond Reason: Using Emotions as You Negotiate)

          Just some food for thought.

          Have a great day,

          Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer

     Here’s a great book I read in the last few weeks. Courage: The Backbone of Leadership by Gus Lee.

     This is a great book about what it means to have courage in challenging situations (like confronting a conflict). In this book, Gus Lee gives a great model for what he calls “courageous communication” for addressing what can be delicate issues with both courage and tact.

     I recommend this book highly.

     Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer