Archive for the ‘Conflict Resolution’ Category

Tammy Lenski at Conflict Zen is taking a poll on what frustrates people most in conflict situations. I am really looking forward to seeing the results of her poll.

To voice your opinion, answer Tammy’s question here: What frustrates you most in conflict situations?

My wife, Sandra, is awesome. We don’t always see eye-to-eye. We sometimes get frustrated with each other. Still, she is awesome,and she fully embraces an “I’m responsible” approach to life.

On May 27, we will celebrate our twentieth wedding anniversary. She intrigued me when we first met. She continues to intrigue and educate me after knowing her for nearly twenty-two years.

In addition to our anniversary, both of our daughters have birthdays in May. As the school year comes to a close, we also have many events to attend. The last few days have been incredibly full and hectic in our home. As a result, I don’t remember the exact day this event happened, which daughter was involved, or even the specifics of the behavior that triggered Sandra’s response. I just remember what she said and the powerful lesson in her words.

One of our daughters did or said something that disturbed Sandra. She didn’t like something that happened. Maybe it was the tone, the word choice, the slow response, or the failure to complete a task. The specific issue was minor enough that the details surrounding it don’t stand out among the other events of the last week. It’s how Sandra responded that really stuck with me.

After a moment of frustration, Sandra turned to me and said: “What have I done or said to teach her that behavior?”

In general, our kids are fantastic. We very seldom have cross words with them. However, we are still parents and they are still teenagers. The occasional tense moment happens.

In this situation, Sandra totally exemplified the communication and leadership principles that we both strive diligently to teach and model. She took full responsibility for the situation, and she looked to what she can control – herself – rather than to something she cannot – another person.

As you go through this week, I’m guessing that you will have at least one or two situations where communication breaks down and emotions escalate. When it happens, remember what Sandra did and ask yourself what you might have done to contribute to the situation rather than move to blaming the other person.

Tension between co-workers is one of the more common sources of emotional “pressure” build-up for people. Left unaddressed for long enough, the pressure can build to the point of a blow-up.  Fortunately, you can do something about it before the tension becomes a major conflict.

1. Create opportunities for people to better understand and appreciate their behavioral differences and similarities.

In my work with both teams and individuals over the last few years, this one concept has created more significant and long-lasting positive impact than any other that I have encountered.

Pretty much everyone can see that people come in all shapes, sizes, colors, and behavioral styles. Recognizing our differences does not always lead to better understanding and reduced tension. In many cases, just recognizing the differences without developing appreciation for them will increase the tension between people.

I use and recommend the DISC Model of Human Behavior as the tool to accomplish the goal of developing understanding and appreciation. Like any tool, DISC can be applied inappropriately. So, I also recommend that you work with a certified trainer or coach when you apply the principles of this model in your organization.

2. Give people a chance to improve their communication skills.

Misunderstanding, misinterpretation, and miscommunication form the basis for much of the tension between co-workers.

Studies of domestic violence indicate that poor communication skills are a major risk factor for personal conflicts to escalate to violence. The workplace does not generally trigger the same emotional response intensity as a family relationship. So, I seldom get concerned that workplace tension will reach the same intensity as many domestic disputes. Still, the learning point remains: better communication skills tend to reduce the tensions that lead to unresolved conflict.

3. Help people develop higher level conflict resolution skills.

Most people learn basic conflict resolution skills as they experience work and family situations. Sometimes, the nature, duration, or intensity of the conflict can grow beyond their normal skills in this area. When this happens, people do not know what to do to resolve the conflict; and the tensions begin to grow. Help people to develop higher level conflict resolution skills, and they will know how to reduce the tension without escalating the situation unnecessarily.

4. Clarify role responsibilities and how each person’s role aligns with both team and personal success.

Lack of clarity about role responsibilities and how each role aligns with team and personal success can create tension between co-workers. Taking the time to ensure absolute clarity about your expectations of each person’s responsibilities can reduce this source of tension in the workplace.

5. Create opportunities for low-stress “face-time.”

I once worked with a man who had previous experience as the vice-president of a major multi-national corporation. He told me that he saw people who had been friends, when they worked in the same office, begin to doubt and distrust each other when one of them moved to a new office in a different state or country. I have seen the same response in shift operations when one person moves to a new shift.

Part of our “trust wiring” seems to revolve around the social aspect of seeing people in person. Creating opportunities for low-stress face-to-face communications can provide some relief to low level tension between people.

Thought for Thursday: If you have unresolved tensions in your workplace, look for a solution in these five steps you can take to reduce tension between co-workers.

Several years ago, my friend, client, and colleague, Tom Butera called my office shortly after driving by a billboard with the following statement on it:

Listen and silent have the same letters.

This statement struck me that day and has stuck with me ever since. I have thought about the implications of this simple observation. I have reflected on the times when I failed to listen well. I have observed what other people do that sends the message to me that they are not listening.

Too much talking, or lack of silence, is the common thread through virtually every conflict situation I have experienced that escalated quickly to anger and frustration by one or both parties. In this case, I am not referencing the type of silence associated with withdrawing from the situation. I am, rather, focusing on the type of silence that gives you the time to absorb and process information so that you can make an appropriate response to what the other person says or does.

In both my observations and my reflections, I see that silence is not just the lack of talking. True silence, for the purpose of listening, involves silencing the mind as well as the tongue. To be silent, we have to stop the desire to plan our response, look for what is wrong in the other person, defend our position, or justify our past actions.

To listen, we must be silent both externally and internally.

Thought for Thursday – Look for opportunities to practice intentional silence with the goal of understanding the perspectives of the people around you.

I just read a great post about the value of focusing on other people during communications over on Bert Decker’s Blog.

I recommend that you read this post. It is full of great insights about the power of focusing on other people when you attempt to communicate with them.

Successful conflict resolution revolves around and depends upon successful communication skills. The idea of focusing on others to understand their perspective, their needs, and their feelings forms the basis for many conflict resolution techniques and approaches.

Monday Momentum Message: If you want to master the skills of conflict resolution pros, find ways to understand and connect with the other person’s perspective.

This post is a follow-up to last week’s Monday Momentum Message.

A key tenet of effective conflict resolution is that conflict resolution discussions are more productive when they focus on finding future actions that will fix the current relationship problem.

Sadly, many of us gravitate towards discussing what has or has not already happened rather than talking about what we would rather see in the future. As a result, many conflict conversations become “he said, she said” discussions where emotions flare and conflicts escalate rather than “here’s what we agree to do in the future” discussions where emotions stay in-control and conflicts get resolved.

When we talk about the past, we tend to talk about things that neither of us can change. Nothing I do will change the fact that I hurt your feelings. Nothing you do will change the fact that I received your words as demeaning and disrespectful. We can talk about our feelings at great length, but no amount of discussion will undo what has already been done.

I see great value in understanding the impact of my words and actions on you and you understanding the impact of your words and action on me. I also understand the need to discuss our emotional responses until we both feel understood. I see no value in discussing the past in an effort to “undo” it.

Recently, I overheard a conversation about a misunderstanding between several people who were involved in the situation but were not present for the conversation. One party tried, on two or three occasions, to revisit why the miscommunication was not their fault and how it could have been avoided if so-and-so had done this instead of that. Basically, they invested their energy in placing blame rather than in resolving the issue. Fortunately, the other party quickly turned the direction of the conversation back to a future focus about how to make sure everyone involved had the right information in the future.

One party worked really hard to avoid taking the blame. The other party ignored blame altogether and focused on a solution. The conversation quickly moved from “he said, she said” to “what can we do together to fix this.” Emotions almost immediately calmed, and both parties had a productive conversation.

When we focus on the past, we generally focus on blame. When we focus on the future, we tend to focus on solutions.

Monday Momentum Message – Learn from the past, don’t stay there.

If you look through my blog, you will probably notice that Tammy Lenski is one of my favorite conflict resolution bloggers. She consistently has great content at Conflict Zen.

This weekend, I noticed this post where she mentions that she will be speaking at a Women’s Leadership Summit in Manchester, NH in June. Her post inspired my thinking for my topic today.

Here’s the short version of what she will be speaking about at this conference:

Too many negotiations get cluttered with baggage, sidetracks, pop-psych diagnoses and other traps that inhibit reaching resolution and minimizing debris in personal and professional relationships.

A professional mediator and negotiation coach will teach you how to unclutter negotiations and focus on the most important parts of the discussion. You will learn how to:

• Recognize what is really important in any negotiation.
• Keep the conversation on track.
• Set aside the garbage and prevent it from polluting the negotiation.

Reading the description of her talk reminded me of how often we let conversations get too complicated. We talk at length about past events that cannot be undone. We go off on tangents about what would have happened if:

• I had done this
• You had done that
• I had said it this way
• You had said it that way
• blah, blah, blah…

How many times have you found yourself “in the weeds” when speaking to your coworker, your boss, your spouse, or your child about a conflict? For me, I find that it happens far too frequently. When it does happen, focusing on the past is almost always the cause.

I find that getting off-track tends to come from an effort to discuss or fix things that either do not really matter to the future of our relationship or cannot be changed by anything we do in the future.

In writing this post, I find myself thinking about one of my favorite scenes from the Disney movie The Lion King. As Simba, the young lion, and Raficki, the wise, old monkey, walk across a field, Raficki hits Simba on the head with his walking stick. Simba says: “Hey, wha’d ya’ do that for?” Raficki replies: “It don’t matta’. It’s in the past.”

With that thought in mind, here’s my Monday Momentum Message: Focus more energy on what you can do to positively impact the future than you do on what happened negatively in the past.

As I was reading through some other blogs this week, I found this post on Empathy, Apology and Forgiveness by Arnold Zeman at Dialogic Mediation Services.

Once again the power of apology surfaces in the context of resolving conflict. I really liked this post because it derives from research and not just from a single person’s opinions.

The full citation for both the underlying research and the chain of reporting is in the post at Dialogic Mediation services.

As Arnold Zeman reports in his post, the key learning point of the research is:

Empathy must be experienced by, and communicated by, both parties to the conflict, not simply one or the other. In other words, to be effective in resolving conflict, apology and forgiveness are best viewed as interactive processes, not simply one-sided speech events.

In the context of workplace conflict, here’s the bottom-line: for an apology to have any significant impact on the situation, you need to allow some processing time for both parties to realize (preferrably on their own) that they both contributed to the conflict.

I seldom see conflicts where one party is clearly wrong and the other party is totally “right.” I’m sure that it happens from time-to-time but not very frequently.

When you find yourself in a conflict, you should offer a well intentioned apology. You should also give the other person time to reflect on the situation before you “force” them to accept it. It seems that the reflection time is critical for the development of “mutual empathy.”

Thought for Thursday: Be willing to apologize for your contribution and then give people time to reflect.