Archive for the ‘Habits’ Category

This morning I have been catching up on reading some of my favorite blogs. As always, I saw really thought provoking content by Tammy Lenski, Victoria Pynchon, Kevin Eikenberry, and Kare Anderson.

The post that struck me the most was Common Courtesty Should Not Be An Oxymoron by Diane Levin.

I’m not sure why it struck me so strongly today, but it did. Maybe it’s because I’m not always so great at following-up with thank-yous myself. Maybe it was a selfish motivation to inspire others to thank me. At the moment, I can’t tell whether self-reflection or self-protection really triggered me today. I just know that Diane’s thoughts resonated strongly, and I want to add my two-cents to her comments by way of asking a few reflection questions for all of us to consider.

• Why haven’t I taken action to genuinely thank someone who has gone out of their way to help me?
• What is stopping me from acting with common courtesy?
• Is it really that hard to just say “thank-you?”

I’m asking myself these questions today. In the name of common courtesy, will you join me?

(BTW – In case I’ve failed to properly thank you for your contributions to the blogosphere and for your encouragement to me, I would like to say: “Thank-you Diane. I’ve learned alot from you.”)

This post is now here.

In The Phantom Menace, the great Jedi master Yoda says: “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

Fear in one or both parties is often the root of conflict, and we all fear something.

Some people fear losing control. Some fear looking bad in front of others. Other people fear confrontation. Still others fear having to make a decision with limited information. I could go on and on listing the fears we confront in our interactions with others.

To successfully resolve conflict, someone has to step outside the fear and get a handle on it so that it doesn’t lead to anger, hate and suffering.

The question for today is: What are you afraid of?

A few months ago, I came across a quote that has become a big part of what I teach in the realm of resolving conflict, leadership skills, and the DISC model of human behavior. I think that it came from one of the books written by the folks over at Vital Smarts. I don’t remember for sure, and I was unable to track it down today. Anyway, here’s the quote:

“You are on the wrong side of your eyeballs to be objective about you.”

In my blog reading this week, I came across this post by Kevin Eikenberry: Five Great Benefits to Leadership or Executive Coaching, and I was once again reminded of the quote above.

If you want to continue learning and growing as a leader, teacher, parent, or just generally as a person, find someone you trust to give you the objective perspective you need to make the changes necessary to become the person that you want to be.

In my experience, failure to accept outside perspective on issues where emotional intelligence is the driving factor in personal growth is a leading indicator for lack of progress in those areas.

Seek wise counsel. Look for objective, trustworthy, experienced mentors and teachers. Get on the other side of your eyeballs so that you can learn and grow.

Several years ago, my friend, client, and colleague, Tom Butera called my office shortly after driving by a billboard with the following statement on it:

Listen and silent have the same letters.

This statement struck me that day and has stuck with me ever since. I have thought about the implications of this simple observation. I have reflected on the times when I failed to listen well. I have observed what other people do that sends the message to me that they are not listening.

Too much talking, or lack of silence, is the common thread through virtually every conflict situation I have experienced that escalated quickly to anger and frustration by one or both parties. In this case, I am not referencing the type of silence associated with withdrawing from the situation. I am, rather, focusing on the type of silence that gives you the time to absorb and process information so that you can make an appropriate response to what the other person says or does.

In both my observations and my reflections, I see that silence is not just the lack of talking. True silence, for the purpose of listening, involves silencing the mind as well as the tongue. To be silent, we have to stop the desire to plan our response, look for what is wrong in the other person, defend our position, or justify our past actions.

To listen, we must be silent both externally and internally.

Thought for Thursday – Look for opportunities to practice intentional silence with the goal of understanding the perspectives of the people around you.

Habits are amazing. Just look at the definition from Dictionary.com:

habit – an acquired behavior pattern regularly followed until it has become almost involuntary

The last part of that definition really struck me this week. I think that “involuntary” is the key word in the definition of habit. In fact, I have noticed that habits can become so strong that even conscious thought may not override them.

Here is an example of how strong habits can become.

Because the winters in Indiana can be pretty dry, we keep hand lotion beside the soap dispenser at the lavatory in our bathroom. The hand lotion is opaque and light green. The soap is clear and yellow-orange. Both containers are about the same size and both have similar pump dispensers. Both dispensers sit to the right side of the faucet. Normally, the soap dispenser sits between the faucet and the hand lotion.

A few days ago, I stepped to this lavatory to wash my hands. I immediately noticed that the two dispenser positions had been switched. The lotion is normally to the right, but on this occasion it was to the left.

I consciously thought: “Use the pump on the right.” As I thought this, I reached down, and I pumped hand lotion into my palm.

The learning point is this: despite my conscious awareness of the right thing to do, my habit took control of my behavior.

In the realm of relating to people and resolving conflict, this observation has major implications. Just like I have a habit of using the dispenser to the left to get hand soap, we all have habits relating to the way we interact with others. Because interactions with people generally trigger emotion more than logic, these interaction habits are even stronger than my “hand washing” habit.

Because our words and actions contribute to the direction of a conflict situation, these habits can either lead to escalation or descalation.

If we tend to defend our position, attack the other person, or avoid the situation, we will probably escalate many conflicts.

If we tend to listen empathetically, calmly receive feedback, and engage in open conversation, we will probably descalate most conflicts.

Thought for Thursday – Work to develop interaction habits that lead to conflict resolution.