Archive for the ‘Human Nature’ Category

Last week, Amanda Bucklow left a comment on my blog about a video that I discovered on another website.

I didn’t do an exhaustive search of my followers and friends at various sites, but I am sad to say that I did not recognize Amanda’s name when I got the comment. I have no idea how she found my blog.

So, I decided to take a look at her blog – The Mediation Times -  to learn a bit about her. I immediately liked what I saw, and I started to look around a bit.

In the process of looking over her blog, I found one of Amanda’s posts titled Language, linguistics, and mediation. In this post Amanda, referenced a post by Lera Boroditsky titled How Does Our Language Shape the Way We Think.

Being a student of how we think and how our thinking affects our behaviors, I was instantly hooked. I just had to read further. So, I clicked over to Lera’s post.

I really enjoyed the reading.

In the process, I observed two very interesting things.

One, Lera’s research seems to confirm something I have suspected for a long time – the language we speak both reflects and affects how we think.

While I have learned some Latin, Spanish, French, and German, I am not fluent in any language other than English (although I’m pretty good with HTML and PHP).

As I learned these smatterings of other languages, I noticed both the different ways that things are described and the different ways the cultures that speak them tend to “do” life.

Here’s a funny side comment. My mother-in-law was German. In German, “cat” is a feminine word, and she always called our male cat “she”. Mama’s behavior seems to fit Lera’s research.

Back to the main point. If you want to work out a conflict with another person, pay careful attention to how they describe the world. If your words don’t fit theirs, you’ll likely have a difficult time connecting in a way that resolves the conflict. This observation may be obvious if you speak clearly different languages like English and German.

Consider this additional thought though, what if they seem to speak your language but you notice that their version of it is slightly different from yours?

For example, I often say that task-oriented people speak a different flavor of English (or any other language) than people-oriented people. If language both reflects and affects the way that we think and we want to resolve a conflict with a person who speaks a different “version” of our native tongue, we need to take extra care to make sure that we understand what they really meant rather than run with what we thought they meant. We need to consider that the words they speak might mean something slightly different to them than what they mean to us.

Second, I found it interesting that I learned something from someone I have never met, Amanda, because she led me to another person that I have never met, Lera. Both of them have great things to say. Amanda and Lera, thanks to you both.

Image from www.sxc.hu

I really enjoy looking for good examples of conflict escalation, poor communication, and personality style clashes. A few months ago, I saw this episode of The Apprentice, and I thought it perfectly illustrated a common people-oriented vs. task-oriented conflict scenario. It also shows how NOT to resolve a conflict.

The interesting action for this post starts at the 3 minute 40 second mark where we see the interaction between Scott Hamilton and Tom Green begin. The part I’m commenting on runs for a little more than 2 minutes.

Just guessing from their behaviors, I would say that Scott has lots of task traits and that Tom has lots of people traits. My best guess is that Scott has really high “Cautious” traits and that Tom has really high “Inspiring” traits. If I’m guessing right, their primary behavioral traits are complete opposites of each other.

I don’t know everything about these two men.  I’m just basing my guess on what I see in this short clip.

Tom frantically tries to get noticed. A common “Inspiring” trait is to seek recognition. He makes a comment about “keeping himself entertained” and he complains that “they’re not listening to me” as he waves his arms in the air and says “they’re so focused on the task they don’t even know I’m there.”  Also common “I” traits.

Scott’s goal is to be “calm and organized.” A common “Cautious” trait is to seek structure. He makes reference to Tom as the “derailer” and he tells Tom to “sit and relax.”

I also notice that Tom pushes harder for interaction and that Scott withdraws more into the task as the conflict escalates. Two common signs of a task vs. people conflict.

I think both of them behaved in ways that made the conflict worse instead of better, and I’m not really trying to comment on who was more or less “right.” I want to keep the focus of this post on their interaction dynamics.

Notice that as each of them fights for what they want, the conflict gets worse and neither of them gets what they want.

The lesson we can learn from this interaction is simple to say and difficult to do: slow down to understand the other person’s perspective so that you can move towards resolution and away from escalation.

Photo by Menage a Moi

Have you ever looked at someone else’s behavior and thought that it made no sense at all? Did your confusion over their reasoning lead you to criticize them? Did your criticism lead to conflict?

If you have ever gone down this path to conflict, I can certainly understand. I have done it, too.

I used to wonder why so many people did things that just did not make sense. Sometimes, this line of thinking led me to “help” the other person by attempting to “correct” their thinking.

This approach did not help them or me in very many situations.

So, I started to keep my mouth shut and carry my frustration with them inside. I found that this internal frustration with others also led to conflict in many situations.

Then, I learned something really powerful: everything that everyone does makes sense – to them.

From an innocent two-year old child to a serial killer, everyone’s words and actions make sense to them. In their view of the world, it makes sense. From their perspective, what they did or said made perfect sense at the time.

People might later reflect on their behaviors and wonder what they were thinking when they did or said something. Still, at the time they did or said it, it made sense to them.

Since learning this idea, I have learned a number of behavior models, communication strategies, and interaction processes to help me better understand other people’s perspectives. As I have learned these additional concepts, I have also learned to make sense of their words and actions even when their words and actions are completely different from my normal reaction.

While I have learned many tools to help me in this area, the real path to lower frustration and conflict with others began when I realized that everything other people do makes sense to them.

In The Phantom Menace, the great Jedi master Yoda says: “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

Fear in one or both parties is often the root of conflict, and we all fear something.

Some people fear losing control. Some fear looking bad in front of others. Other people fear confrontation. Still others fear having to make a decision with limited information. I could go on and on listing the fears we confront in our interactions with others.

To successfully resolve conflict, someone has to step outside the fear and get a handle on it so that it doesn’t lead to anger, hate and suffering.

The question for today is: What are you afraid of?

I have seen “problem” defined as “a situation that you want to change.”

Under this definition, if I don’t want to change the situation, I don’t have a problem.

If, I want to change the situation, then I have a problem.

Every situation that I want to change has something wrong with it. In general, I don’t want to change things that are running smoothly.

If something is wrong with the situation, then something either has happened or will happen to make the situation undesirable. To solve the problem, I have to consider that my thoughts, ideas, and feelings about the circumstances surrounding the situation just might be wrong.

There might be a different way to describe the situation that allows me to see a better solution than the first one that popped into my head.

Staying open to alternative solutions was one of the most powerful lessons I learned as a process design and development engineer. Since then, I have read numerous books, articles, and essays on how to keep my mind open to different problem solving approaches. I have watched videos and listened to audio programs on creativity.

I keep striving to quiet the voice in my head that says, “the first solution I found is the one and only right way to solve this problem.”

In working with people, I have learned that resolving conflict is just like solving a problem.

An interpersonal conflict is generally a situation that I want to change. So, it fits in the definition of a “problem.”

So, when I attempt to resolve workplace or family conflicts, I need to consider that I just might be wrong.

I really dislike this idea. It forces me to get outside my own perspective in the moments when I really do not want to make the effort.

Sadly, the same little voice I mentioned above often tells me that the source of the problem I face in resolving a conflict is the other person.

This morning, I read a great post titled Kill Your Little Darlings over at Women on Business. M.J. Ryan, the author of this post, starts this way:

William Faulkner once said that writers needed to “kill their little darlings.”  It’s a message about how, in order for inspiration to enter, we need to let go of the ideas we’re so in love with to make room for something better. It’s a willingness that everyone in business needs these days.

What a great concept! This idea applies to writers, to business owners, and to people attempting to resolve workplace conflicts.

In order to resolve a conflict, I have to be willing to consider ideas, thoughts, and feelings other than my own.

I have to set aside my perspectives, if only momentarily, to step into the world of the other person. To to do that, I need to “kill my little darlings” and consider the thought that I just might be wrong.

A few months ago, I came across a quote that has become a big part of what I teach in the realm of resolving conflict, leadership skills, and the DISC model of human behavior. I think that it came from one of the books written by the folks over at Vital Smarts. I don’t remember for sure, and I was unable to track it down today. Anyway, here’s the quote:

“You are on the wrong side of your eyeballs to be objective about you.”

In my blog reading this week, I came across this post by Kevin Eikenberry: Five Great Benefits to Leadership or Executive Coaching, and I was once again reminded of the quote above.

If you want to continue learning and growing as a leader, teacher, parent, or just generally as a person, find someone you trust to give you the objective perspective you need to make the changes necessary to become the person that you want to be.

In my experience, failure to accept outside perspective on issues where emotional intelligence is the driving factor in personal growth is a leading indicator for lack of progress in those areas.

Seek wise counsel. Look for objective, trustworthy, experienced mentors and teachers. Get on the other side of your eyeballs so that you can learn and grow.

When people are physically uncomfortable, they generally have difficulty focusing on the work at hand, and they tend to become emotionally sensitive and irritable. Both of these conditions contribute to reduced productivity and higher levels of workplace conflict.

Here are three of the most common issues I see as I work with my clients:

1. Space Constraints

This constraint can take many forms, but it always adds some level of stress to the work environment. The constraints might be caused by file cabinets, equipment, physical limitations of the building, or just other people in the workplace.

Many business leaders do not have the spending authority necessary to build a bigger facility. Even if they do, the business income may not support the desire to add space. While you may not have the ability to increase the physical space, you can be sensitive to the issue and take whatever action is in your control.

For example, you might be able to:

• Give people more short breaks so that they can “stretch their legs” for a moment.
• Find ways to reduce or eliminate extra “stuff” that takes up space unnecessarily.
• Add mirrors or change the color so that the space “feels” bigger to people.

2. Resource Constraints 

In an ideal world, we could give our team everything they need to do the job, and they would completely understand when we cannot. They would also have a team-oriented mindset that would stop them from bickering with each other when they find themselves competing for limited resources.

Maybe you work in the ideal place. I have not seen it happen very often. In virtually every business where I have worked, some level of stress and conflict happens as the result of people competing for resources. The resource could be tools, the coffee pot, the copier, the department administrative assistant, or your time. Whatever resource is limited, it will generate tension between people and their environment. This tension creates emotional pressure that might relieve in unhealthy and unproductive ways.

Again, you might not have complete authority or sufficient budget to fix the problem entirely. You can acknowledge the problem and do what you can to mitigate it.

For example, you could:

• Help people develop better communication skills so that they can discuss the resource limitations without judging, blaming, and labeling each other.
• Work with people to develop an agreed upon schedule for resource use.
• Acknowledge the problem and make it safe to discuss.

3. Room Temperature 

This is a big one. I have seen some major workplace conflicts break out over room temperature. I have also heard leaders discuss how childish and immature this conflict can become. I acknowledge that the bickering created by stress over room temperature can look pretty silly to an outside observer. I also realize that the discomfort is very real for the people involved, and that physical discomfort creates emotional pressure that must be acknowledged and, as much as possible, relieved.

Again, completely fixing this problem or finding a compromise solution may be beyond your control. Here’s what you can do:

• Recognize that physical discomfort is a real source of frustration and emotional pressure.
• Make it safe to discuss by putting the issue in the open without judging, condemning, or criticizing the people involved.
• Work to resolve each person’s interest in being comfortable at work. Discuss the actions each person (including you) will take to find a solution that is as workable as possible for everyone involved.

If you can spend the money to remove these stressors, I encourage you to do so. In many cases, you cannot pursue that option. If you do not have the budget or the authority to truly fix the environmental issue, you can take action to provide safe, productive outlets for the emotional pressure that can build when these issues remain unresolved for a long period of time.

The first step to providing a safe, productive outlet lies with the leader recognizing and acknowledging the reality of the frustration without minimizing or criticizing it. You cannot fix the problem just by talking about it, but you can help to relieve the pressure so that it doesn’t “blowout” somewhere else.

How we make decisions fascinates me, and it impacts much of what I do with regard to team dynamics and conflict resolution.

Over the last few months, I have had the privilege to work with Kare Anderson who writes the blogs Say It Better and Moving From Me to We on a collaborative group blog called Ugluu.

In the last few weeks, we have received fantastic posts from a wide variety of authors. Two that really struck me fit in the arena of how we make decisions.

Rather than restate what has already been well said by others, my Monday Momentum Message is a recommendation to read these two great posts over at Ugluu:

• On Being Certain
• Mistakes Were Made But Not By Me