Archive for the ‘Key Concepts’ Category

Moved to Business Relationship Rx. 

• miss important information in the other person’s perspective
• push for my perspective rather than listen to the other person
• focus my thinking on a single solution rather than consider alternative solutions
• ignore the other person’s thoughts and feelings

      In short, when I rush, I get selfish.

      When I slow down, I:

• learn from the other person
• listen better
• open my mind to multiple solution paths
• remain sensitive to the other person

      Even though the first approach tends to have a faster conversational pace and often feels faster in the moment, it actually slows us down because it creates new conflicts and side issues that drag out the conversation or hurt our future interactions. Going fast in conflict resolution is actually slow.

      The second approach feels slow because it involves periods of silence, reflection, and carefully crafted conversation. However, it creates an environment where both parties really understand each other. Slowing down heads off future misunderstandings and conflicts. Going slow in the moment is fast in the long run.

      To remember how to slow down in the moment, I focus on giving a SOLID response:

• Stop
• Observe
• Listen
• Interpret
• Deliver

     The inspiration for this post comes from a book about Abraham Lincoln. Many years and probably more than 100 books later, I have long since forgotten which book gave me this thought. So, with apologies to the writer who penned words to this effect, let me share a lesson we can learn from the sixteenth president of the United States.   

     Much of Lincoln’s strength as a leader came from his ability to be righteous without becoming self-righteous.    

     Just to be clear, here are the definitions of the two words as listed at Dictionary.com:

righteous

1. characterized by uprightness or morality: a righteous observance of the law. 
2. morally right or justifiable: righteous indignation. 
3. acting in an upright, moral way; virtuous: a righteous and godly person.
 

self-righteous

1. confident of one’s own righteousness, esp. when smugly moralistic and intolerant of the opinions and behavior of others.

     Lincoln seemed to have the ability to move and act in righteous (morally right ways) without becoming self-righteous (smugly moralistic and intolerant). He showed his capacity for maintaining this balance in an address he gave during the famous Lincoln-Douglas debates.

     As he addressed the crowd in Peoria on October 16, 1854 he said:

I hate [the spread of slavery] because of the monstrous injustice of slavery itself. I hate it because it deprives our republican example of its just influence in the world—enables the enemies of free institutions, with plausibility, to taunt us as hypocrites—causes the real friends of freedom to doubt our sincerity, and especially because it forces so many really good men amongst ourselves into an open war with the very fundamental principles of civil liberty—criticising the Declaration of Independence, and insisting that there is no right principle of action but self-interest.

Before proceeding, let me say I think I have no prejudice against the Southern people. They are just what we would be in their situation. If slavery did not now exist amongst them, they would not introduce it. If it did now exist amongst us, we should not instantly give it up. This I believe of the masses north and south. Doubtless there are individuals, on both sides, who would not hold slaves under any circumstances; and others who would gladly introduce slavery anew, if it were out of existence. We know that some southern men do free their slaves, go north, and become tip-top abolitionists; while some northern ones go south, and become most cruel slave-masters.

     Notice his ability to call out the immoral spread of slavery without simultaneously criticizing the people who wanted to spread it. He managed to condemn the behavior without condemning the people involved.

     In the day-to-day miscommunications and conflicts that arise as we work with other people, we can seldom claim a position as morally clear as Lincoln’s stand against slavery. Yet, many of us stake out morally “right” positions and then condemn people who might simply misunderstand us or disagree with us.

     As you confront conflict situations, you will likely have to confront truly bad behaviors from time to time. Normally, there are shades of gray as you work to resolve workplace and family conflicts. Even when the situation has clear right and wrong perspectives, remember Lincoln’s example and learn to act in a righteous (morally right) way without becoming self-righteous (smugly moralistic and intolerant).

     Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer

“righteous.” Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1). Random House, Inc. 06 Nov. 2008. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/righteous

“self-righteous.” Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1). Random House, Inc. 06 Nov. 2008. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/self-righteous

     I nearly missed it. If I didn’t have online friends, I guess I would miss lots of things. Anyway, today is Conflict Resolution Day. I owe my learning of this event to Tammy Lenski at Conflict Zen in her posting titled Honoring conflict resolution day: what 1 thing will you do? .    

     Here’s Tammy’s challenge:

    As I write this post, I am sitting in an office in Toowoomba, Queensland, Australia. Tonight I speak to a group of business owners in Brisbane (about 2 hours by car). This is not my first opportunity to work with people in a different country. To date, I have worked in Canada, Germany, England, Scotland, Switzerland, Holland, China, Thailand, Taiwan and now — Australia. This trip has triggered a thought for me that directly affects our approaches to resolving conflict with people at work and at home.

     In driving through Queensland and working with various people here, I am struck by many things. The country side looks like other places I have been, and it is also different. The buildings look like other places I have been, and they are different. The businesses are like others I have visited in the past, and they are different.     

      The differences create energy and enthusiasm for me on this trip. They give me something to focus on as I work to gain greater understanding of this beautiful country, its culture, and its people. The differences provide learning opportunities.    

     In conversation, it’s even a bit fun to joke and laugh about the differences. I have enjoyed lively banter about how Australians and Americans are different.     

     In jest, it’s fun to talk about our differences. In conflict, focusing on differences can destroy the relationship and ultimately the team.

     As I look around Australia and reflect on my experiences in other places with other people and cultures, I realize that we have many more similarities than differences. If we have more similarities across the world than we do differences, I think the same is probably true with the people we work and live with on a daily basis.

     The differences between us bring spark and energy to the team. They show us different perspectives and approaches to the many situations we address every day. They provide opportunities to learn from each other. They can also create discord and strife if we focus on them too strongly.

     So, here’s my closing thought from “down under.” The next time you find yourself in a conflict with a co-worker, family member, or fellow volunteer — look for your similarities. The differences will be pretty obvious. You may feel tempted to focus on them because they frustrate you. Resist this urge. Look for similarities. Look for common ground. That’s where you will likely find the way forward to resolve your conflict.

      Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer 
 

This post has been moved here.

In my previous post, I provided a link to a really funny video by Bill Harley. I recommend you watch it before reading this post for two reasons: