Archive for the ‘Leadership’ Category

     According to research cited by Daniel Goleman in a video recorded at a TED conference last year, humans have a natural bent towards compassion. 
 
     Reflecting on this video, Tammy Lenski over at Conflict Zen says:

Check out this excerpt from Kevin Eikenberry’s Remarkable Learning Blog:

Read the whole post here.

     Conflicts often go badly because of poor communication skills. I once read the results of a survey that indicated one of the leading causes of conflicts escalating to violence was the inability to communicate effectively. I could not find that source again as I wrote this post. So, I am uncomfortable claiming the statistic as the absolute truth. However, it does make sense.

     In The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, Patrick Lencioni makes the point that people don’t have a need to get their way so much as they have a need to be heard and understood. If we accept the premise that people need to be understood, then a feeling that we are not understood can trigger some pretty strong emotions. After all, a need, not a desire or wish, is going unfulfilled. Unfulfilled needs always create a strong emotional response (for example: hunger, thirst, sleep, etc.).

     When we can’t communicate our thoughts, feelings, and frustrations, we feel misunderstood. This feeling creates an emotional response in us that we probably communicate to the other person in our body language and tone. They sense our heightened emotional state, and they respond in kind. (Our emotions generally take input from external sources – other people. I’ll go into that more later. For now, let’s just run with the idea.)

     Now we have entered what Dan Dana, author of Managing Differences, calls the “retaliatory cycle.” The retaliatory cylce leads to increasing levels of emotion and conflict. Since we have all experienced this situation, almost all of us fear it. It leads to frustration, anger, hurt feelings, broken relationships, and unresolved conflict.

     Is it any wonder we fear, and therefore avoid or attack, when we sense a conflict coming on? We are simply trying to avoid the pain that we anticipate will come.

     One of the keys to breaking this cycle starts with improving communication skills. Improved communication skills is not a silver bullet that will cure all conflicts. It is a huge step in the right direction.

     I’ll be sharing more tips to address this fear later. For now, take a look at these resources I recommend over at my Squidoo page on Good Conflict. You can also look through my Book Recommendation category in this blog.

Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer
Picture courtesy stock.xchg.

     Do you know anyone who consistently encourages other people? If you do, do you find it difficult to get angry with them? I know someone like that. He is a man in my church. He has been in the community for many years, and everyone I know loves him. It seems that everyone has only good things to say about him. Even when he does something frustrating, it’s almost impossible to get angry with him. A few days ago, my two daughters were discussing some events at our church. In the course of  the conversation, this gentleman’s name came up, and my oldest daughter said: “He’s so nice. It’s impossible to not like him.”    

     Today, I was looking through the finalists for Kevin Eikenberry’s Best Leadership Blog’s  contest. While perusing the blogs, I found Steve Farber’s post on helping someone else be Greater Than Yourself (GTY). In Steve’s post, he commented on this type of behavior in light of great leadership. I agree with him that people who lift other’s up tend to develop greater influence, and therefore leadership, with others.    

     In the context of conflict resolution, how much relational “capital” would you have with others if you made it a point to look for ways to encourage and lift them up before you had a conflict. How would your past behaviors help you to resolve a current conflict more quickly and productively? I think you would be much further ahead if you had that reputation.  On the extreme opposite side of the issue, I think most of us would agree that discouraging others would put you ”in the hole” with them? That concept is pretty easy to see.    

     What if your behaviors were not that extreme? What if you did not actually discourage people? What if you just failed to consistently encourage them? You would definitely miss the benefit of the other person feeling about you the way my daughters feel about the encourager in our church. You would certainly miss the benefit of the doubt when the inevitable conflict arose in your relationship. You might even start just a little “in the hole.” 

     These thoughts have challenged me today. I think I’ll go look for some opportunities to encourage people. I hope you will do the same.

     Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer

     Another article I wrote on a related topic: Choose to Become an Encourager
     Photo from http://www.sxc.hu/ 

Redirected to it’s new location at www.BusinessRelationshipRx.com.

Redirected to its new location at www.BusinessRelationshipRx.com.

I just read this on Kevin’s blog. This is a fantastic idea for building better relationships.Kevin’s Blog Entry – U-Pick

Here are some books that I highly recommend for anyone who desires to grow in their leadership, communication, and conflict resolution skills.

QBQ! The Question Behind The Question

QBQ addresses the issue of personal accountability and responsibility. It is a fast read that really makes an impact.

The Anatomy of Peace

The Anatomy of Peace addresses the key mindset of effective conflict resolution. It asks the question: “Is your heart at peace or is it at war with the other person?” This book has really affected how I approach conflict situations.

Leadership & Self-Deception

Leadership and Self-Deception is the first book by the Arbinger Institute on the issue of how we view others in leadership and in conflict. Although it was published first, the story picks-up after the events described in The Anatomy of Peace.

Read and enjoy these great books.

Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer