Archive for the ‘Self-control’ Category

Over the last few weeks, I have been evaluating my online writing habits, and I have come to the conclusion that some things need to change. I need to make my writing more intentional and more consistent.

Starting this month, both my newsletter and my blogging behaviors will change. I will publish my newsletter twice per month, and I will post a blog entry twice per week.

I’m still evaluating options for layout and content in my newsletter that I will announce in the next week, but I have made some decisions about this blog.

If you are a regular reader of this blog, you can expect to see new thoughts posted here every Monday and Thursday at a minimum. Monday will contain my Monday Momentum Message targeted at providing information you can use to build momentum as a leader, team member, and communicator. Thursday will contain my Thought for Thursday that will relate to the Monday Momentum Message and provide further thoughts, context, or insights to make the message stick even better. I want to make this blog a place where you can come to continually grow in your ability to resolve conflicts, lead teams, and communicate more effectively.

So, here’s the first Monday Momentum Message.

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In January, I attended a music competition with my daughters. They have both competed in this festival for several years, and I have attended the event every year that they have competed.

I have noticed something interesting about this competition: they are nearly always behind schedule within about two hours of the start. As the competitors and their accompanists move from room to room to perform for the judges, the meticulously prepared schedule that has room and time assignments on it gradually becomes just a list of whose next to perform
with little or no regard to the actual time of day. Competitors wait for judges. Judges wait for competitors. Competitors and judges wait for accompanists. The waiting goes on and on. As near as I can tell, the competition always ends 1-2 hours later than scheduled. From a practical standpoint, the schedule is meaningless.

As my wife and I moved from one judging room to the next at the most recent competition, I asked my wife a rhetorical question: “If the schedule is always behind, why don’t the organizers find a better way to schedule the time slots or acknowledge that they can’t get all of the competitors through the process in the short amount of time they allow?”

That rhetorical question then reminded me of the Albert Einstein quote that “Insanity is doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results.”

The point of this story is not to criticize the organizers. Frankly, they do an amazing job coordinating the schedules of hundreds of people in a one-day event. The point is my recognition (again) that I have to change my thinking and my behaviors to get different results.

From that rhetorical question to my wife, I then began to think about my business, my communications, my interactions, and my relationships. I began to wonder: “Where am I doing the same things over and over again with poor results and not taking the action to change?” Thus, the redesign of my newsletter and blog. I am making the move to change some things that are not yielding the results for me, or for anyone else, that I want.

Do you want to build relationship and results momentum with your team? Do you want to grow as a leader, as a communicator, or as a team member? If you do, I encourage you to question yourself. What are you doing or saying that consistently does not give you the results you want? Find that thing and change it. Make an action plan. Change it and you will start to build momentum.

I have two colleagues. Both of them contribute something valuable to our personal and professional relationships. Both of them are good at what they do. Both of them have strong opinions. Both of them feel free to express their opinions. Both of them have direct and bottom-line communication styles. Both of them have a very strong task orientation. Both of them have a sarcastic approach to humor.

I respect what both of them “bring to the table.”

One of them makes a statement that I laugh at and accept as a joke. I might even reply with my own humorous sarcasm.

The other makes a similar statement that I take personally and accept as criticism. I might even directly challenge why they said something sarcastic to me.

What’s the difference? Why does one of them bring out a protective response and the other brings out a humorous one?

Is it them? Or, is it me?

While there are differences in their approaches. There are far more similarities than differences. The similarities make me wonder, “Could I be overly sensitive with one of them? Could I be looking for a reason to take offense?”

I’m not with you every day. I don’t know everything about every interaction you have. I am with me, and I know that sometimes (maybe  I should say “often”) the response other people get from me has more to do with my perception and my thinking than it has to do with them.

I think I need to check my thinking about some of the people in my life. I think I need to work on receiving them more openly and  less judgmentally so that we experience less conflict, our relationships can move forward, and our business ventures can prosper.

Over the next week,  I plan to focus on asking the question “Could it be me?” rather than assuming the problem is with them. Won’t you join me?

Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer

     Have you ever been absolutely sure that you were right about someone else’s bad thoughts, hostile feelings or harmful intentions only to later find that you were wrong? I have.

     During the time that you held this mistaken view of their perspective, did you act in ways that made the conflict worse? I did.

     When you later learned of their true thoughts, feelings, or intentions; did you then realize how harmful your own words and actions had contributed to the escalating conflict between you? That was my experience.

     The title of this post has become one of the most powerful conflict resolution concepts that I personally work to apply. Learning to question my perspective before judging someone else’s (my spouse, my kids, my colleagues, or clients) has saved me from speaking or acting in harmful ways on more occasions than I can now recall. Sadly, when I don’t question my perspective and rush to action based on my judgment of someone else’s intentions, I usually get it wrong.

     In an effort to offer some practical guidance to assist you in this process, I’ll give three questions you can ask yourself the next time a conflict starts to brew:

1) Did they mean what I think they mean?

Maybe they really are angry. Maybe they did mean to insult you. Maybe they want to harm you in some way.

Or, maybe they are hurt. Maybe they didn’t realize that you took their comment personally. Maybe they are reacting to fear with a desire to protect themselves but no desire to harm you. Before you get angry, find a way figure out what they really meant.

2) Is there something going on here that I don’t understand fully?

Are they angry, or are they tired? Did they have a tough night with their sick child last night? Are they sick? Are they frustrated over lack of progress on a project? Any of these issues could cause the stress to push people to say and do things they would not ordinarily say or do. Before you judge too harshly, find out what’s happening in their life.

3) Did I do something to trigger that response in them?

Do I owe them something that is now late? Did they have an expectation of me that I did not meet? Did I say something that they received as an insult or put down? Even if the action was unintentional, any of these could generate a negative response from they other person. Before you decide that they are the problem, check your own past actions.

     Learn to question your perspective. It can take the edge off of your response so that you resolve conflicts faster and more productively.

     Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer

Remember to pause before responding. A short pause will help you gain emotional control so that you respond rather than react.

Related Articles:

• Remember to Respond Rather Than React
• Conflict Resolution Tips: Task-oriented People With People-oriented People
• Conflict Resoluton Tips: People-oriented People With Task-oriented People
• Slow Down to Speed Up
• Connecting With People
• Give a SOLID Response

Or…How To Start A Conflict

     In my last post, I shared a victory I experienced by remembering a key point of conflict resolution. Just to keep things balanced, I think it’s only fair to share a point I remembered after I failed to follow good conflict resolution principles.

     This morning over breakfast, my wife mispronounced a word, and, before I engaged my brain, I corrected her. As the words left my mouth, I knew that I should have remained silent or waited for another time. Maybe it would be acceptable to point out her error in private, but I did it in front of our kids. Not wise. 

     I immediately sensed her frustration, and attempted to correct the damage by apologizing. To my wife’s credit, she graciously accepted the apology, and we continued our day without further incident. She was “on her game.” I was not.

     I violated several key conflict resolution principles in this situation:

     When we interact and work with other people, we will eventually disagree with each other. Sometimes, the disagreement will be over minor issues where we can easily ignore the disagreement. Sometimes, however, we will disagree quite strongly about an issue that is vitally important to both of us. It might be about what course of action to take to turn around the company, which candidate to back in an election, a difference of faith perspectives, or some other issue that evokes strong emotion. When these issues arise, you might reach an impasse where you simply cannot reach agreement and you cannot just “let it go.”    

     When that happens, how do you resolve the conflict?    

     Remember that in the context of this blog, conflict resolution is about finding a way to work together to solve a problem affecting the organization. It is not about agreeing on every issue. So, we can resolve a conflict in the sense that we continue to work together productively without reaching complete agreement. With that context in mind, you can preserve the relationship and continue working together despite the differences by learning to disagree without being disagreeable. Put another way, we can learn to agree to disagree on certain things. 

     Easy to say. Not always easy to do.    

     Issues that are personally important usually produce an emotional response. Once we become emotional about an issue, we tend towards behaviors that escalate the conflict rather than resolve it. We attack the other person’s character or intelligence. We dismiss their perspective as irrational or stupid. In short, we make it about their personhood. We become disagreeable.    

     Learning to disagree without becoming disagreeable takes work. It takes effort. It takes focus. It is also worth it.     

      When we become disagreeable, we usually trigger a similar response in the other person so that we move towards separation and paralysis instead of towards action and resolution. When we can agree to disagree, we can set the disagreement aside in the interest of continuing to work together. We don’t forget the issue. We just don’t let it get in the way of solving the organizational problem at hand. 

    Are there times when you cannot continue to work together because of a disagreement? Yes. If you have to violate your core principles or ethical standards to move forward with the other person, you should stand firm or consider ending the relationship. Sometimes we all reach this conclusion. I’m just encouraging you not to reach that conclusion too quickly or rashly. Be careful that you don’t take a stand on “principle” when you simply disagree about an approach, style, or perspective.

      If you want to resolve team and organizational conflicts so that you can solve the business problem, learn to disagree without being disagreeable. 

    Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer