• By correcting her in front of other people, I embarrassed her, and I violated two principles. The principles of letting the other party save face and protecting the conversation from outside influences.
• By correcting her on the spot, I acted when a defensive reaction was most likely to occur. I violated the principle of creating a safe environment for the discussion. 

     The bottom line in this experience is the title of this post: you don’t have to say everything that enters your mind.

     While the main subject of this blog is conflict resolution in a team environment, this post is about an even more powerful idea — communicating in a way that minimizes the risk of a conflict in the first place. Communication skills include knowing what, when, and how to speak. They also include knowing when not to speak.

     Many of us have triggers that cause us to speak before we think. Some people find it hard to resist a perceived challenge. Some people are quick with sarcasm. I happen to feel compelled to correct mistakes. What’s your challenge?

     Once the words leave your mouth the damage is done. You can apologize, but you may have already triggered a negative response in someone else.

     In your efforts to grow your conflict resolution skills, include developing the ability to hold your words.

     Remember, you don’t have to say everything that enters your mind.

     Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer 

I think I’ll commit for at least one week to ask other people’s perspective more and to state mine less.

     For several years, I have attempted to live up to this commitment. In the last eleven days, I have made a more conscious and concerted effort to ask first and speak second. Here’s what I have noticed:

• Even after years of “practice,” I still find this concept difficult to apply in everyday life. It takes thought. It takes effort. It takes work.
• When I focus on understanding other people’s perspectives before offering mine, I generally get a better response. I get less “push back” and frustration from them. They are more willing to listen to what I have to say.

     Even with a short-term, focused effort, I have still not used this concept in every interaction. I have gotten wrapped-up in myself on a few occasions. I have spoken first in others. Still, I have done a better job because of the commitment I made both to myself and to you.

     I commit to continue towards the goal of seeking first to understand and then to being understood. What about you? What will you continue doing towards the goal of better, stronger, more resilient relationships? What will you do to move towards resolving conflict and away from escalating conflict in your team or family?

     Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer

     Stop Observe Listen and Deliver

     Thanks to my friend Jim Carty for giving me the feedback to improve my acronymn for maintaining self-control in conflict situations. Here’s my original acronymmn based on the word SOLD.

Stop – Stop everything. Do not say or do anything. Resist the urge to speak. Stop your internal dialogue that immediately labels the other person as “wrong.”

Observe – What is the other person saying with their body language? What is their tone? Are they angry or are they hurt?

Listen – Listen carefully to their words. What is their intended meaning? Does what they say have merit? What is their perception? Even if you disagree with their interpretation of events, you will need to understand it before you respond.

Deliver – Deliver your response. To resolve a conflict, they also need to know what you are thinking. Hopefully your conscious effort to listen to them before you speak will do two things: give you time to think clearly and show that you care about their concerns.

In looking at my acronmyn, Jim suggested that I add the letter “I” to form the word SOLID:

Stop – Stop everything. Do not say or do anything. Resist the urge to speak. Stop your internal dialogue that immediately labels the other person as “wrong.”

Observe – What is the other person saying with their body language? What is their tone? Are they angry or are they hurt?

Listen – Listen carefully to their words. What is their intended meaning? Does what they say have merit? What is their perception? Even if you disagree with their interpretation of events, you will need to understand it before you respond.

Interpret – Evaluate what you have learned from Stopping, Observing, and Listening. Make a thoughtful interpretation of their intended meaning. Give yourself the time to think about what you will say or do next.

Deliver – Deliver your response. To resolve a conflict, they also need to know what you are thinking. Hopefully your conscious effort to listen to them before you speak will do two things: give you time to think clearly and show that you care about their concerns.

     Thanks to Jim for the suggestion. I have learned many things by working with, listening to, and interacting with Jim. He is a great guy and a fantastic sales trainer. His input is just one more example of how all of us are better than one of us.

     So, remember this acronymn to give a SOLID response to stressful conflict situations.

     Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer

To honor this year’s event, I’m inviting you to bring peacemaking down to the individual level and make a commitment to do one simple thing of your own choosing. One thing that starts peacemaking with you. One thing that’s a specific behavior or action…not just a dream or a hope or a grand plan. One simple, concrete thing.

     I think I’ll commit for at least one week to ask other people’s perspective more and to state mine less. What about you? What one thing will you commit to do to make conflict resolution personal?

     Thanks to Tammy for another great post.

     Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer