Today, I had the priviledge to serve as a guest lecturer for two classes at Indiana Business College in Lafayette, Indiana. Many of the students at IBC would classify as “non-traditional” students – they are in the workplace and hoping to change or improve their job skills, they have come back to school after some time away, etc. Clearly, this description does not fit every IBC student. It does fit many.

     I spoke on Leadership in one class and on Team Building in another. I didn’t really intend for the presentation/discussion to take this direction, but in both cases we gravitated towards the concept of personal responsibility.

     As I reflected on these two presentations and other events of the day, it struck me how really significant the concept of assuming personal responsibility is to the concept of resolving conflict. After discussing the thinking, skills, and techniques of effective conflict resolution, leadership, or team dynamics, I get one common question: “What do I do if the other person won’t cooperate with me?” While this question did not come up directly today, it indirectly enter the conversation.

     This thought of “what do I do when others won’t cooperate” is a common theme in much of my work. After study, thought, and practical application, I’ve come to the following conclusion: it really doesn’t matter what anyone else does. I have to work on controlling myself, doing what I know is right in the situation, and then letting “the chips fall where they may.” I can only control me, and you can only control you. What we do when others won’t cooperate is to control the desire to push harder, to insist on cooperation, or to withdraw for the purpose of exerting control. (I’m not talking about withdrawing for personal protection. That type of withdrawal is not only wise, it’s necessary.)

     So, just some food for thought. As you work to address and resolve the conflicts you face in your various relationships, keep your focus on controlling yourself and forget about attempting to “make” the other person see your perspective.

     Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer