In my blog reading this weekend, I read this great post by Kare Anderson over at Say It Better. Check this post on Getting Others to Stop Arguing: What We Can Learn From Obama’s Cairo Speech.

A few weeks ago, a situation developed between me and another person where they felt the need to apologize. In all honesty, I was a bit irritated with the person and their behavior prior to receiving their call asking if they could come to see me in person.

However, they did come see me in person. They did sincerely apologize. And they genuinely felt sorry for their actions.

During the conversation, they said: “I don’t know why I did what I did.” I said: “I guess it’s because you’re human.” I then reminded them of the scene in the Disney movie The Lion King when Rafiki hit Simba on the head. After receiving a whack on the head, Simba said: “Hey, why did you do that!” Rafiki replied: “It don’t matta’. It’s in the past.”

When I told the story, I smiled and the other person smiled. The tension broke, and we moved forward with our relationship.

In this case, the other person really did do something that required an apology. And, they genuinely apologized.

They apologized. I accepted. We moved on together. We have now been in several meetings since then where we have worked productively and positively together.

When people apologize, there is nothing to be gained by attempting to humiliate them further. Accept the apology. Honor their sincerity, and move on. Remember, “It don’t matta’. It’s in the past.”

Tammy Lenski at Conflict Zen is taking a poll on what frustrates people most in conflict situations. I am really looking forward to seeing the results of her poll.

To voice your opinion, answer Tammy’s question here: What frustrates you most in conflict situations?

When people are physically uncomfortable, they generally have difficulty focusing on the work at hand, and they tend to become emotionally sensitive and irritable. Both of these conditions contribute to reduced productivity and higher levels of workplace conflict.

Here are three of the most common issues I see as I work with my clients:

1. Space Constraints

This constraint can take many forms, but it always adds some level of stress to the work environment. The constraints might be caused by file cabinets, equipment, physical limitations of the building, or just other people in the workplace.

Many business leaders do not have the spending authority necessary to build a bigger facility. Even if they do, the business income may not support the desire to add space. While you may not have the ability to increase the physical space, you can be sensitive to the issue and take whatever action is in your control.

For example, you might be able to:

• Give people more short breaks so that they can “stretch their legs” for a moment.
• Find ways to reduce or eliminate extra “stuff” that takes up space unnecessarily.
• Add mirrors or change the color so that the space “feels” bigger to people.

2. Resource Constraints 

In an ideal world, we could give our team everything they need to do the job, and they would completely understand when we cannot. They would also have a team-oriented mindset that would stop them from bickering with each other when they find themselves competing for limited resources.

Maybe you work in the ideal place. I have not seen it happen very often. In virtually every business where I have worked, some level of stress and conflict happens as the result of people competing for resources. The resource could be tools, the coffee pot, the copier, the department administrative assistant, or your time. Whatever resource is limited, it will generate tension between people and their environment. This tension creates emotional pressure that might relieve in unhealthy and unproductive ways.

Again, you might not have complete authority or sufficient budget to fix the problem entirely. You can acknowledge the problem and do what you can to mitigate it.

For example, you could:

• Help people develop better communication skills so that they can discuss the resource limitations without judging, blaming, and labeling each other.
• Work with people to develop an agreed upon schedule for resource use.
• Acknowledge the problem and make it safe to discuss.

3. Room Temperature 

This is a big one. I have seen some major workplace conflicts break out over room temperature. I have also heard leaders discuss how childish and immature this conflict can become. I acknowledge that the bickering created by stress over room temperature can look pretty silly to an outside observer. I also realize that the discomfort is very real for the people involved, and that physical discomfort creates emotional pressure that must be acknowledged and, as much as possible, relieved.

Again, completely fixing this problem or finding a compromise solution may be beyond your control. Here’s what you can do:

• Recognize that physical discomfort is a real source of frustration and emotional pressure.
• Make it safe to discuss by putting the issue in the open without judging, condemning, or criticizing the people involved.
• Work to resolve each person’s interest in being comfortable at work. Discuss the actions each person (including you) will take to find a solution that is as workable as possible for everyone involved.

If you can spend the money to remove these stressors, I encourage you to do so. In many cases, you cannot pursue that option. If you do not have the budget or the authority to truly fix the environmental issue, you can take action to provide safe, productive outlets for the emotional pressure that can build when these issues remain unresolved for a long period of time.

The first step to providing a safe, productive outlet lies with the leader recognizing and acknowledging the reality of the frustration without minimizing or criticizing it. You cannot fix the problem just by talking about it, but you can help to relieve the pressure so that it doesn’t “blowout” somewhere else.

My wife, Sandra, is awesome. We don’t always see eye-to-eye. We sometimes get frustrated with each other. Still, she is awesome,and she fully embraces an “I’m responsible” approach to life.

On May 27, we will celebrate our twentieth wedding anniversary. She intrigued me when we first met. She continues to intrigue and educate me after knowing her for nearly twenty-two years.

In addition to our anniversary, both of our daughters have birthdays in May. As the school year comes to a close, we also have many events to attend. The last few days have been incredibly full and hectic in our home. As a result, I don’t remember the exact day this event happened, which daughter was involved, or even the specifics of the behavior that triggered Sandra’s response. I just remember what she said and the powerful lesson in her words.

One of our daughters did or said something that disturbed Sandra. She didn’t like something that happened. Maybe it was the tone, the word choice, the slow response, or the failure to complete a task. The specific issue was minor enough that the details surrounding it don’t stand out among the other events of the last week. It’s how Sandra responded that really stuck with me.

After a moment of frustration, Sandra turned to me and said: “What have I done or said to teach her that behavior?”

In general, our kids are fantastic. We very seldom have cross words with them. However, we are still parents and they are still teenagers. The occasional tense moment happens.

In this situation, Sandra totally exemplified the communication and leadership principles that we both strive diligently to teach and model. She took full responsibility for the situation, and she looked to what she can control – herself – rather than to something she cannot – another person.

As you go through this week, I’m guessing that you will have at least one or two situations where communication breaks down and emotions escalate. When it happens, remember what Sandra did and ask yourself what you might have done to contribute to the situation rather than move to blaming the other person.

Sometimes I read something that just strikes me, and I really cannot say why it does. It just does.

As I was reading some of my favorite blogs today, I had one of those moments. I was reading Slacker Manager by Phil Gerbyshak, and I found his post titled You Don’t Know Everything.

Phil’s thoughts struck me. I liked them. I am sharing them with you. Read, enjoy, reflect.

How we make decisions fascinates me, and it impacts much of what I do with regard to team dynamics and conflict resolution.

Over the last few months, I have had the privilege to work with Kare Anderson who writes the blogs Say It Better and Moving From Me to We on a collaborative group blog called Ugluu.

In the last few weeks, we have received fantastic posts from a wide variety of authors. Two that really struck me fit in the arena of how we make decisions.

Rather than restate what has already been well said by others, my Monday Momentum Message is a recommendation to read these two great posts over at Ugluu:

• On Being Certain
• Mistakes Were Made But Not By Me

Tension between co-workers is one of the more common sources of emotional “pressure” build-up for people. Left unaddressed for long enough, the pressure can build to the point of a blow-up.  Fortunately, you can do something about it before the tension becomes a major conflict.

1. Create opportunities for people to better understand and appreciate their behavioral differences and similarities.

In my work with both teams and individuals over the last few years, this one concept has created more significant and long-lasting positive impact than any other that I have encountered.

Pretty much everyone can see that people come in all shapes, sizes, colors, and behavioral styles. Recognizing our differences does not always lead to better understanding and reduced tension. In many cases, just recognizing the differences without developing appreciation for them will increase the tension between people.

I use and recommend the DISC Model of Human Behavior as the tool to accomplish the goal of developing understanding and appreciation. Like any tool, DISC can be applied inappropriately. So, I also recommend that you work with a certified trainer or coach when you apply the principles of this model in your organization.

2. Give people a chance to improve their communication skills.

Misunderstanding, misinterpretation, and miscommunication form the basis for much of the tension between co-workers.

Studies of domestic violence indicate that poor communication skills are a major risk factor for personal conflicts to escalate to violence. The workplace does not generally trigger the same emotional response intensity as a family relationship. So, I seldom get concerned that workplace tension will reach the same intensity as many domestic disputes. Still, the learning point remains: better communication skills tend to reduce the tensions that lead to unresolved conflict.

3. Help people develop higher level conflict resolution skills.

Most people learn basic conflict resolution skills as they experience work and family situations. Sometimes, the nature, duration, or intensity of the conflict can grow beyond their normal skills in this area. When this happens, people do not know what to do to resolve the conflict; and the tensions begin to grow. Help people to develop higher level conflict resolution skills, and they will know how to reduce the tension without escalating the situation unnecessarily.

4. Clarify role responsibilities and how each person’s role aligns with both team and personal success.

Lack of clarity about role responsibilities and how each role aligns with team and personal success can create tension between co-workers. Taking the time to ensure absolute clarity about your expectations of each person’s responsibilities can reduce this source of tension in the workplace.

5. Create opportunities for low-stress “face-time.”

I once worked with a man who had previous experience as the vice-president of a major multi-national corporation. He told me that he saw people who had been friends, when they worked in the same office, begin to doubt and distrust each other when one of them moved to a new office in a different state or country. I have seen the same response in shift operations when one person moves to a new shift.

Part of our “trust wiring” seems to revolve around the social aspect of seeing people in person. Creating opportunities for low-stress face-to-face communications can provide some relief to low level tension between people.

Thought for Thursday: If you have unresolved tensions in your workplace, look for a solution in these five steps you can take to reduce tension between co-workers.