Posts Tagged ‘Apology’

I’ve written about the power of apology in the past, and today I was reminded of the power of the words “I’m sorry” by a short article I read in the November 23 edition of BusinessWeek magazine.

As part of a larger article titled 10 Ways to Cut Health-Care Costs Right Now, I found item number 10 under the heading: Aplogize to the Patient.

This short piece quickly describes the financial impact of a program initiated by the Sorry Works! Coalition. Sorry Works! suggests that hospitals immediately inform patients and their families of medical errors, investigate the cause, change procedures if necessary, and offer a settlement if the heath-care provider is at fault.

In effect, they promote saying: “I’m sorry.”

According to the article, the University of Michigan Health System and the University of Illinois Medical Center in Chicago both reported significant (in the range of 40-50%) reduction in malpractice claims by applying the Sorry Works! program.

So, what’s the implication to workplace conflict resolution?

Just say, “I’m sorry.”

Very rarely have I ever been involved in a dispute with another person when they were totally at fault. In most situations, I have contributed to the situation in one way or another.

Rather than debate the what I did or didn’t say, what you did or didn’t say, what I did or didn’t intend, or what you did or didn’t intend points of the conflict, just say “I’m sorry.”

I’m sorry for what I said or did. That’s it. No justification. No rehashing of the events. No blaming.

Will this always work? No.

Will it usually work? Yes – the reduction in malpractice suits proves it.

“I’m sorry” flies in the face of our natural need to protect ourselves. It’s often difficult to say, and it works.

A few weeks ago, a situation developed between me and another person where they felt the need to apologize. In all honesty, I was a bit irritated with the person and their behavior prior to receiving their call asking if they could come to see me in person.

However, they did come see me in person. They did sincerely apologize. And they genuinely felt sorry for their actions.

During the conversation, they said: “I don’t know why I did what I did.” I said: “I guess it’s because you’re human.” I then reminded them of the scene in the Disney movie The Lion King when Rafiki hit Simba on the head. After receiving a whack on the head, Simba said: “Hey, why did you do that!” Rafiki replied: “It don’t matta’. It’s in the past.”

When I told the story, I smiled and the other person smiled. The tension broke, and we moved forward with our relationship.

In this case, the other person really did do something that required an apology. And, they genuinely apologized.

They apologized. I accepted. We moved on together. We have now been in several meetings since then where we have worked productively and positively together.

When people apologize, there is nothing to be gained by attempting to humiliate them further. Accept the apology. Honor their sincerity, and move on. Remember, “It don’t matta’. It’s in the past.”

As I was reading through some other blogs this week, I found this post on Empathy, Apology and Forgiveness by Arnold Zeman at Dialogic Mediation Services.

Once again the power of apology surfaces in the context of resolving conflict. I really liked this post because it derives from research and not just from a single person’s opinions.

The full citation for both the underlying research and the chain of reporting is in the post at Dialogic Mediation services.

As Arnold Zeman reports in his post, the key learning point of the research is:

Empathy must be experienced by, and communicated by, both parties to the conflict, not simply one or the other. In other words, to be effective in resolving conflict, apology and forgiveness are best viewed as interactive processes, not simply one-sided speech events.

In the context of workplace conflict, here’s the bottom-line: for an apology to have any significant impact on the situation, you need to allow some processing time for both parties to realize (preferrably on their own) that they both contributed to the conflict.

I seldom see conflicts where one party is clearly wrong and the other party is totally “right.” I’m sure that it happens from time-to-time but not very frequently.

When you find yourself in a conflict, you should offer a well intentioned apology. You should also give the other person time to reflect on the situation before you “force” them to accept it. It seems that the reflection time is critical for the development of “mutual empathy.”

Thought for Thursday: Be willing to apologize for your contribution and then give people time to reflect.

Moved to Business Relationship Rx. 

Or…How To Start A Conflict

     In my last post, I shared a victory I experienced by remembering a key point of conflict resolution. Just to keep things balanced, I think it’s only fair to share a point I remembered after I failed to follow good conflict resolution principles.

     This morning over breakfast, my wife mispronounced a word, and, before I engaged my brain, I corrected her. As the words left my mouth, I knew that I should have remained silent or waited for another time. Maybe it would be acceptable to point out her error in private, but I did it in front of our kids. Not wise. 

     I immediately sensed her frustration, and attempted to correct the damage by apologizing. To my wife’s credit, she graciously accepted the apology, and we continued our day without further incident. She was “on her game.” I was not.

     I violated several key conflict resolution principles in this situation:

Conflicts with supervisors or people in positions of authority seem to come up frequently in my work. People often ask me how to confront their supervisor or manager to address frustrations and irritations.

I start by recommending caution. Confronting someone who has the positional authority to retaliate against you presents some very real political risks. That being said, here’s one approach I have found that often works well, and it significantly reduces the risk of retaliation:

Use an apologetic attitude.

The apologetic attitude starts when you Deliver the invitation to meet and it continues throughout your discussion of the conflict. In practice, it goes something like this as you Deliver the invitation:

• “Apparently I have done something to create some frustration for you. I’m not sure what it is, and I would like to speak with you to resolve this frustration.” or
• “I think I might have done something to irritate you. I think I know what it might be, but I’m not completely sure. I would like to speak with you to get things smoothed out between us.”

Notice that the person in the subordinate position takes responsibility for the supervisor’s frustration and irritation in these situations.

The people who come to me with the question of how to address this type of situation often really do not know what has caused the frustration, irritation, or disconnect with their supervisor. That is why I recommend this type of approach. It creates the space for an open discussion without putting the other person on the defensive. This is a practical application of using the power of apology.

I have noticed that people usually have a very difficult time remaining angry with you when you are apologizing. When you use this approach, you listen to their frustration first and then you share your concerns. This apolgize and listen approach improves the odds that the other person will eventually be willing to listen to what you have say.

The approach will not work in every situation or with every person. It is often better than a more direct approach that runs the risk of triggering a negative or retaliatory response.

Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer

Here’s a great post by Bud Bilanich that I found today. Read and enjoy.

Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer

Apology is a highly under used approach in resolving conflicts. Many people avoid apologizing because they see it as a sign of weakness or as giving in to the demands of the other person.

In a role-play exercise I participated in recently, I was reminded of the amazing power of honest , sincere apologies. In the class scenario, I had to initiate a conflict resolution discussion with another class participant. I began by apologizing for the situation without admitting wrongdoing. Despite his best effort to go on the offensive and test my conversational skills, he said that the apology triggered an emotional response that he could not force himself to overcome. He said that he felt compelled to back down from a confrontation.

This scenario happened in a classroom environment, and it happened without any real emotional involvement. Still, it highlights what Dan Dana (author of Conflict Resolution and Managing Differences) calls the inhibitory reflex – the natural emotional response most of us have when someone offers us any kind of concession.

Far from weakness, a humble, well-phrased, and well-intended apology wields great power. It can shift a heated debate from a “wrestler’s circling the ring” situation to a civil discussion of honest differences of opinion. The next time you find yourself in a conflict situation, try it out. Offer an apology and watch the other person soften before your eyes.

Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer