Posts Tagged ‘communication’

     Conflicts often arise when people have unmet needs. People will do everything in their power to get their needs met. They often start the search to have their needs met with a “whisper.” The whisper can take many forms depending on the person. When the whisper is not heard, they often raise the volume until they begin to “yell.” Like the whisper, the yell can take many forms.

     Outgoing, task-oriented, dominant people may whisper by tapping their foot or finger. They may yell by demanding results and respect.

     Outgoing, people-oriented, inspiring people may whisper by joking or laughing. They may yell by becoming sarcastic and emotional.

     Reserved, people-oriented, supportive people may whisper by becoming silent and looking away. They may yell by withdrawing and avoiding contact.

     Reserved, task-oriented, cautious people may whisper by asking questions and appealing to rules or procedures. They may yell by criticizing and condemning.

     The expression of the search may be different for different people, the reason is the same: unmet needs. In any conversation, and especially in a conflict conversation, pay attention to the whisper, and do everything in your power to meet the other person’s needs. Do this, and you reduce the chance that they will begin to “yell.” 

     Is there anyone in your life that is whispering to you about their needs?

I owe the thought behind this post to Jeanine Fitzgerald. Jeanine is one of the most amazing people I know. She is a fantastic educator. This week, she sat in on a training session that I co-facilitated. During the session, she shared the thought captured in the title of this post.

If you want to know how to become a better parent, educator, or business leader; I strongly recommend that you read her book: The Dance of Interaction.

  Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer

Redirected to it’s new location at www.BusinessRelationshipRx.com.

     Recently, I was speaking with participants in a training class about communication strategies to resolve conflicts between team members.  I shared with them that a genuine sense of curiosity about the other person’s perspective often goes a long way towards resolution, and that this sense of curiosity often reveals itself by the questions we ask of the other person during the conflict conversation.    

     As we discussed the value of good question asking technique, it became clear to me that most of us do not naturally ask good questions. Rather than ask questions for the real purpose of gathering more information and better understanding of the other person, we make statements disguised as questions. For example:

     Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer

For additional suggestions on asking better questions you can see an article I wrote:

 http://www.principledriven.com/july_2006.htm

My friend and colleague, Kevin Eikenberrry, also wrote a great article on the topic:

http://www.kevineikenberry.com/uypw/ezine/07/issue4_40_print.asp

Apology is a highly under used approach in resolving conflicts. Many people avoid apologizing because they see it as a sign of weakness or as giving in to the demands of the other person.

In a role-play exercise I participated in recently, I was reminded of the amazing power of honest , sincere apologies. In the class scenario, I had to initiate a conflict resolution discussion with another class participant. I began by apologizing for the situation without admitting wrongdoing. Despite his best effort to go on the offensive and test my conversational skills, he said that the apology triggered an emotional response that he could not force himself to overcome. He said that he felt compelled to back down from a confrontation.

This scenario happened in a classroom environment, and it happened without any real emotional involvement. Still, it highlights what Dan Dana (author of Conflict Resolution and Managing Differences) calls the inhibitory reflex – the natural emotional response most of us have when someone offers us any kind of concession.

Far from weakness, a humble, well-phrased, and well-intended apology wields great power. It can shift a heated debate from a “wrestler’s circling the ring” situation to a civil discussion of honest differences of opinion. The next time you find yourself in a conflict situation, try it out. Offer an apology and watch the other person soften before your eyes.

Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer

     One challenge I see when people attempt to address a conflict is the desire to ignore or minimize the emotional side of it. They attempt to persuade the other party with logic, data, and reason when the other person just wants to be heard and understood.

          I have been guilty of this error myself. A few years ago, my wife and I were discussing a situation she was experiencing with another person. In the course of her description of the problem to me, she began to discuss what she and the other person were feeling about the situation. I calmly stated something to this effect, “Let’s put emotions aside and look at this rationally.” She immediately responded, “Did you hear yourself? You just asked me to put aside emotions in discussing an emotional topic.” Her comment hit me squarely in the face. I was ignoring emotions even though the topic was emotions.

          In addressing a conflict situation, always remember that factual and substantive issues are typically not the problem. Emotions usuallly are. Give people a chance to vent their emotions. Make every effort to make sure that they feel understood, and you will go a long way towards resolving the conflict. There is no guarantee that letting the other person “talk themselves out” will move you towards resolution. It just works better than trying to put a lid on someone else’s feelings. (A good book on this topic is Beyond Reason: Using Emotions as You Negotiate)

          Just some food for thought.

          Have a great day,

          Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer

     Today, I had the priviledge to serve as a guest lecturer for two classes at Indiana Business College in Lafayette, Indiana. Many of the students at IBC would classify as “non-traditional” students – they are in the workplace and hoping to change or improve their job skills, they have come back to school after some time away, etc. Clearly, this description does not fit every IBC student. It does fit many.

     I spoke on Leadership in one class and on Team Building in another. I didn’t really intend for the presentation/discussion to take this direction, but in both cases we gravitated towards the concept of personal responsibility.

     As I reflected on these two presentations and other events of the day, it struck me how really significant the concept of assuming personal responsibility is to the concept of resolving conflict. After discussing the thinking, skills, and techniques of effective conflict resolution, leadership, or team dynamics, I get one common question: “What do I do if the other person won’t cooperate with me?” While this question did not come up directly today, it indirectly enter the conversation.

     This thought of “what do I do when others won’t cooperate” is a common theme in much of my work. After study, thought, and practical application, I’ve come to the following conclusion: it really doesn’t matter what anyone else does. I have to work on controlling myself, doing what I know is right in the situation, and then letting “the chips fall where they may.” I can only control me, and you can only control you. What we do when others won’t cooperate is to control the desire to push harder, to insist on cooperation, or to withdraw for the purpose of exerting control. (I’m not talking about withdrawing for personal protection. That type of withdrawal is not only wise, it’s necessary.)

     So, just some food for thought. As you work to address and resolve the conflicts you face in your various relationships, keep your focus on controlling yourself and forget about attempting to “make” the other person see your perspective.

     Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer

     Here’s a great book I read in the last few weeks. Courage: The Backbone of Leadership by Gus Lee.

     This is a great book about what it means to have courage in challenging situations (like confronting a conflict). In this book, Gus Lee gives a great model for what he calls “courageous communication” for addressing what can be delicate issues with both courage and tact.

     I recommend this book highly.

     Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer