Posts Tagged ‘emotional control’

     Have you ever been caught off-guard by someone else’s words or actions? I have. Have you ever interrupted someone to correct them during a conflict situation only to discover that you were the one who made the mistake? I have. Have you ever responded so quickly to another person’s comment that you did not stop to think if you heard correctly? Well, I have done that as well.    

     We are all human. Many of us speak first and think second when we feel cornered, pressured, or otherwise threatened. This response is both normal and natural. Unfortunately, it is not always useful or necessary. 

     In working with my clients, my colleagues and my family on the issue of effectively resolving conflict, I consistently hear one frustration. People in Indiana have it. People in Georgia have it. People in Canada have it. People in Australia have it. My clients have it. My colleagues have it. My friends have it. My family has it. In fact, I have it. “It” is the difficulty of remembering how to proceed calmly when a conflict situation catches us unaware.

      If we have the opportunity to plan for or anticipate a conflict conversation, we can prepare ourselves for what will happen and what problems might surface. When we get surprised by a conflict situation, our adrenal glands generally flood our blood stream with adrenaline. Once under the control of this chemical substance, rational thought often eludes us.

     If I want to “practice what I preach” about conflict resolution, I have to constantly look for ways to improve my responses. I find that simple acronyms help me when the pressure hits and I don’t have time to really think about a situation. Preloading my mind with a four or five word model that triggers automatically keeps me more in control of my words, tone, and actions in those moments when I am hungry, angry, tired, or surprised by events.

     I have developed a four letter acronym based on the word SOLD to help me in unanticipated conflict situations. There are no new concepts in this acronym. It just helps me to remember key concepts when my emotions flare. It goes like this:

   When two people find themselves in a conflict situation, the two parties usually focus trying to figure out what the other person is saying or what the other person wants. In the process, they can miss the point of the other person’s request or demand. They miss why the other person wants what they want.

   Focusing on what the other person is saying is important. It helps you understand their desires more fully. It helps you meet their immediate demands. However, addressing only the what without understanding the why can lead to continued miscommunication and unresolved conflict.   

   Consider these scenarios:   

   Scenario #1

When your spouse asks you to meet for lunch today, they have delivered a statement of what they want – lunch.

The questions to consider are these: Do they want to meet for lunch because they are hungry and they expect to be near your office at lunchtime?, or Do they want more time with you and this is the only way they know how to ask for it?

If their reason why is the former question, you can have lunch together some other time. If their reason why is the latter, you might be able to meet their request in a different way.

   Scenario #2 

The employee who asks for a raise has told you what they want – more money.

You should ask yourself: Do they have more cash demands because of something that happened at home?, or Do they want more money in exchange for tolerating poor working conditions?

If their reason why is the first question, a pay raise might actually address their concerns. If their reason why is the second question, a pay raise will not help the situation.

   Scenario #3

The co-worker who asks you to open a window has said what they want – an open window.

You should wonder: Do they want the room temperature cooler?, or Are they nauseated by some odor in the air?

If they want it cooler and you are comfortable with the temperature, you might find an alternative arrangement. If they are nauseated by an odor that you either do not smell or do not mind, opening the window may be the only way to help them.

   These simple examples illustrate the point. If you focus only on what people request without considering why they requested it, you could miss their real concern.

   I do not suggest that you analyze everything people say for deep, hidden meaning. I do recommend that you listen with discerning ears so that you learn to understand the why behind the what. I also recommend that you learn to question your assumptions about other people. Rather than snap to a judgment, ask a question. Seek clarification before you assume too much. Learn to search for their why without projecting your perspective onto their intentions.

   If you really work to understand the why behind their what, you will more effectively address the real clash of needs and desires that originally created the conflict.

   Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer
 

Misinterpreting other people’s intentions creates one of the biggest challenges I see in much of my coaching and training work. I suppose this is a natural part of human nature. Often, the only frame of reference we have for interpreting other people’s behaviors is our own. As a result, we often interpret their behaviors based on how we believe we would react or behave if we were in their situation.Unfortunately, we often don’t know everything about their situation.In a post earlier this week in Settle It Now, Victoria Pynchon states:

Two weeks ago, I had the priviledge to work with my friends at Personality Insights in Atlanta at Share the Passion 2008. On Sunday morning, Christopher Coleman spoke. Christopher’s story is really amazing. In summary, Chris was declared dead at birth and he stayed that way for fifteen minutes until his twin sister was born. When she cried, he cried. So, he was without oxygen for the first fifteen minutes of his life. As a result, he has cerebral palsy, and he is always in a wheelchair.

Many people might see Chris’s condition and feel sorry for him – don’t. Chris is an overcomer. He is a winner. He may have some physical challenges, but I assure you he is not disabled. He speaks with energy. He speaks with passion. He speaks with conviction. Chris is inspiring and encouraging. I am proud to call him my friend.

Since the topic of this blog is resolving conflict in teams, I can almost hear people thinking, “That’s a great story, but what does it have to do with resolving conflict.” From my perspective it has everything to do with it.When I encourage people to start the conflict resolution process by controlling their emotional response, I often hear them say “I can’t help it. That’s just how I am.” The thought that usually goes through my mind is: “You can’t control yourself or you won’t control yourself.” Then, my mind quickly processes these thoughts: “If you can’t control yourself, that may indicate a psychological problem that needs professional help. If you won’t control yourself, that is a performance problem that we need to address. Either way we have a problem here. We do not have an excuse for your contribution to the conflict.”

I acknowledge that self-control can be difficult. I understand that it takes work and effort. That being said, I’m not prepared to accept that most people can’t control themselves. Excuses are harder to accept when I look at Chris. He could easily say that he can’t help it, that’s just the way he is. He’s wheelchair bound and must have others take care of him. To some extent, he does rely on others for assistance with some physical challenges. He does not, however, wallow in his condition. Instead, he uses his condition to encourage and uplift others. He chooses his emotional response to a difficult situation.

Chris sets a great example for any person engaged in a conflict. Choose your response to difficult situations. You may occasionally lose control. That’s understandable. Just accept responsibility for your response and then work to keep yourself under emotional control from that point forward. Set the example for others to follow. Since the human emotional system takes much of its input from external sources, you just might influence the other party to control their emotional state as well. Someone has to set the tone. Why shouldn’t it be you?

Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer 

Watch a video about Chris here.

   When I entered my last post , I fully intended to add content to each of the seven communication tips in subsequent entries. As I have attempted to expand on my thoughts from that post this week, I have drawn a blank every time I sit down to write.    The thought that has been at the top of my mind this week is the title of this post – develop an attitude of curiosity. So, I’ll write on this topic for now and save my expanded thoughts on my previous post for later.  My thinking on this topic comes from my recent coaching and training experience. As I work with clients, I see the opposite of curiosity – judgment – driving much thinking during conflict conversations. Here’s how I see the difference between these two attitudes:

This post is now here.

     One challenge I see when people attempt to address a conflict is the desire to ignore or minimize the emotional side of it. They attempt to persuade the other party with logic, data, and reason when the other person just wants to be heard and understood.

          I have been guilty of this error myself. A few years ago, my wife and I were discussing a situation she was experiencing with another person. In the course of her description of the problem to me, she began to discuss what she and the other person were feeling about the situation. I calmly stated something to this effect, “Let’s put emotions aside and look at this rationally.” She immediately responded, “Did you hear yourself? You just asked me to put aside emotions in discussing an emotional topic.” Her comment hit me squarely in the face. I was ignoring emotions even though the topic was emotions.

          In addressing a conflict situation, always remember that factual and substantive issues are typically not the problem. Emotions usuallly are. Give people a chance to vent their emotions. Make every effort to make sure that they feel understood, and you will go a long way towards resolving the conflict. There is no guarantee that letting the other person “talk themselves out” will move you towards resolution. It just works better than trying to put a lid on someone else’s feelings. (A good book on this topic is Beyond Reason: Using Emotions as You Negotiate)

          Just some food for thought.

          Have a great day,

          Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer