Posts Tagged ‘Listening’

This post is more of a question than a statement. I’m looking for input and feedback on this question:

How does the nature of your relationship with another person affect the way you handle/view/approach resolving a conflict with them?

Like many things in life, I have an opinion on this topic. I would just like to hear your perspective as well.

Can you help me out by leaving a comment?

Thanks.

I really enjoy looking for good examples of conflict escalation, poor communication, and personality style clashes. A few months ago, I saw this episode of The Apprentice, and I thought it perfectly illustrated a common people-oriented vs. task-oriented conflict scenario. It also shows how NOT to resolve a conflict.

The interesting action for this post starts at the 3 minute 40 second mark where we see the interaction between Scott Hamilton and Tom Green begin. The part I’m commenting on runs for a little more than 2 minutes.

Just guessing from their behaviors, I would say that Scott has lots of task traits and that Tom has lots of people traits. My best guess is that Scott has really high “Cautious” traits and that Tom has really high “Inspiring” traits. If I’m guessing right, their primary behavioral traits are complete opposites of each other.

I don’t know everything about these two men.  I’m just basing my guess on what I see in this short clip.

Tom frantically tries to get noticed. A common “Inspiring” trait is to seek recognition. He makes a comment about “keeping himself entertained” and he complains that “they’re not listening to me” as he waves his arms in the air and says “they’re so focused on the task they don’t even know I’m there.”  Also common “I” traits.

Scott’s goal is to be “calm and organized.” A common “Cautious” trait is to seek structure. He makes reference to Tom as the “derailer” and he tells Tom to “sit and relax.”

I also notice that Tom pushes harder for interaction and that Scott withdraws more into the task as the conflict escalates. Two common signs of a task vs. people conflict.

I think both of them behaved in ways that made the conflict worse instead of better, and I’m not really trying to comment on who was more or less “right.” I want to keep the focus of this post on their interaction dynamics.

Notice that as each of them fights for what they want, the conflict gets worse and neither of them gets what they want.

The lesson we can learn from this interaction is simple to say and difficult to do: slow down to understand the other person’s perspective so that you can move towards resolution and away from escalation.

Several years ago, my friend, client, and colleague, Tom Butera called my office shortly after driving by a billboard with the following statement on it:

Listen and silent have the same letters.

This statement struck me that day and has stuck with me ever since. I have thought about the implications of this simple observation. I have reflected on the times when I failed to listen well. I have observed what other people do that sends the message to me that they are not listening.

Too much talking, or lack of silence, is the common thread through virtually every conflict situation I have experienced that escalated quickly to anger and frustration by one or both parties. In this case, I am not referencing the type of silence associated with withdrawing from the situation. I am, rather, focusing on the type of silence that gives you the time to absorb and process information so that you can make an appropriate response to what the other person says or does.

In both my observations and my reflections, I see that silence is not just the lack of talking. True silence, for the purpose of listening, involves silencing the mind as well as the tongue. To be silent, we have to stop the desire to plan our response, look for what is wrong in the other person, defend our position, or justify our past actions.

To listen, we must be silent both externally and internally.

Thought for Thursday – Look for opportunities to practice intentional silence with the goal of understanding the perspectives of the people around you.

     I’m excited to announce that I’ll be the guest speaker on a free teleseminar hosted by Kevin Eikenberry. Kevin is a great friend and colleague of mine. Our topic is all about creating dialogue for mutual clarity and benefit. (Yes – it really is free! Kevin is picking-up the tab on this one.)

     Kevin will bring his normal wit, wisdom and knowledge of leadership and learning to the call. I’ll contribute insights on human behavior and how different people might hear or say the same ideas. I think it will be a great call full of insights and tips for creating more dynamic and effective dialogue with others.

     The Time: Thursday, February 12th at 2:00 pm Eastern Time.

     The Place: Your office (or wherever you call in from)

     To Register: Kevin Eikenberry Teleseminar Registration

     Won’t you join us?

     Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer

     I owe the inspiration for this post to Kit Cooper over at The Best Life Practices Blog. Kit interviewed longtime diplomat Dennis Ross, and Dennis shared this quote during the interview:

“I tell people that work with me that one of the most important skills in negotiations is active listening. I believe in not always asking questions with the purpose of getting the other side to reveal things. There is immense, untapped benefit to getting a deep understanding of what drives them and you certainly build good will with such an approach. “Why is that issue important to you. I want to understand it the way you understand it. I don’t want to have a false impression. Explain to me why that matters so much to you. Where does it come from? Why does it create an imperative?” You can’t find the underlying sources of behavior and issues unless you ask questions in this way. In my personal life, this skill has made me more interested in others and in turn made others more comfortable with me. When people see that I am curious by being an active listener, they get a message of respect from me. And of course you have the benefit of actually learning something.”

     Later in the post, Kit indicates that he has observed the tendency of some people to bring every conversation back to themselves in an effort to make themselves more interesting. From there, he suggests that “the best way they could accomplish their goal of being liked is the opposite approach.”

     First, I could not agree with Kit’s observations more. Second, I would like to add this conflict resolution spin to Kit’s posts. As Dennis Cooper points out and Kit builds on, listening intently and actively to another person opens communication and understanding in a way that speaking never will.

     I don’t know that I can add more powerful or persuasive words to the discussion than what I found in Dennis Cooper’s statement or in the rest of Kit’s post. I suggest you take a look at Kit’s post and that you commit to actively listening to your coworkers, your spouse, your children, your neighbor, and your boss. I’m making the commitment to focus more intently in this area. Won’t you join me?

     Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer