Posts Tagged ‘Mindset’

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In my last post, I offered three ways to Be a Victor, Not a Victim. In the context of conflict resolution, the thought is not about seeking victory during a conflict. Rather, the thought is about taking personal responsibility so that we don’t “play the victim” by blaming the other party.

Today, I’m offering a thought that goes with my last post. A thought that will allow you to own your piece of the conflict much more easily. Simply put, the idea is this:

Consciously assume that the other person had a positive intention for whatever they did or said.

If you are anything like me, this will take some work. On more than one occasion, I have assumed the worst of people and gotten angry only to learn later that the other party did not intend what I assumed they intended. I have thought that people were insulting me, only to find that I misunderstood some colloquial phrase. I have thought that people were angry, when they were actually in pain or frustrated by an event that had nothing to do with me.

Rather than assume that someone intends to harm me, I have learned to first assume that I misunderstood. I assume that they meant something other than what I heard, or that they are struggling to communicate their thoughts and feelings. By assuming the positive, I have found that I feel less stress, less frustration, and less irritation with others. Because I feel less stress, I am better able to work to understand their perspective without feeling compelled to force my perspective on them.

I am not perfect at applying this principle. Just read through my blog, and you will find examples of times when I did not pull this off very well. In fact, it is in the times that I failed to do this that I learned the lesson again.

When we assume positive intent, we have greater control over our emotional response, and we retain the power to control what we can control – ourselves.

In looking over the post before publishing it, I notice that it begs the question: “What if people really do mean you harm?” I acknowledge that some people really do have ill intent, and that opens a whole different sort of discussion. I find that starting with the presumption of positive intent, I am more often right about them than I am wrong. As a result, I have fewer real conflicts with people, and the ones I do have get resolved much more quickly. It is when I assume negative intent that I have more problems.

Thought for Thursday: Assume positive intent until they prove otherwise.

(I owe a hat tip to Kit Cooper for reminding me of this idea with his post over at Lifehack.

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     The inspiration for this post comes from a book about Abraham Lincoln. Many years and probably more than 100 books later, I have long since forgotten which book gave me this thought. So, with apologies to the writer who penned words to this effect, let me share a lesson we can learn from the sixteenth president of the United States.   

     Much of Lincoln’s strength as a leader came from his ability to be righteous without becoming self-righteous.    

     Just to be clear, here are the definitions of the two words as listed at Dictionary.com:

righteous

1. characterized by uprightness or morality: a righteous observance of the law. 
2. morally right or justifiable: righteous indignation. 
3. acting in an upright, moral way; virtuous: a righteous and godly person.
 

self-righteous

1. confident of one’s own righteousness, esp. when smugly moralistic and intolerant of the opinions and behavior of others.

     Lincoln seemed to have the ability to move and act in righteous (morally right ways) without becoming self-righteous (smugly moralistic and intolerant). He showed his capacity for maintaining this balance in an address he gave during the famous Lincoln-Douglas debates.

     As he addressed the crowd in Peoria on October 16, 1854 he said:

I hate [the spread of slavery] because of the monstrous injustice of slavery itself. I hate it because it deprives our republican example of its just influence in the world—enables the enemies of free institutions, with plausibility, to taunt us as hypocrites—causes the real friends of freedom to doubt our sincerity, and especially because it forces so many really good men amongst ourselves into an open war with the very fundamental principles of civil liberty—criticising the Declaration of Independence, and insisting that there is no right principle of action but self-interest.

Before proceeding, let me say I think I have no prejudice against the Southern people. They are just what we would be in their situation. If slavery did not now exist amongst them, they would not introduce it. If it did now exist amongst us, we should not instantly give it up. This I believe of the masses north and south. Doubtless there are individuals, on both sides, who would not hold slaves under any circumstances; and others who would gladly introduce slavery anew, if it were out of existence. We know that some southern men do free their slaves, go north, and become tip-top abolitionists; while some northern ones go south, and become most cruel slave-masters.

     Notice his ability to call out the immoral spread of slavery without simultaneously criticizing the people who wanted to spread it. He managed to condemn the behavior without condemning the people involved.

     In the day-to-day miscommunications and conflicts that arise as we work with other people, we can seldom claim a position as morally clear as Lincoln’s stand against slavery. Yet, many of us stake out morally “right” positions and then condemn people who might simply misunderstand us or disagree with us.

     As you confront conflict situations, you will likely have to confront truly bad behaviors from time to time. Normally, there are shades of gray as you work to resolve workplace and family conflicts. Even when the situation has clear right and wrong perspectives, remember Lincoln’s example and learn to act in a righteous (morally right) way without becoming self-righteous (smugly moralistic and intolerant).

     Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer

“righteous.” Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1). Random House, Inc. 06 Nov. 2008. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/righteous

“self-righteous.” Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1). Random House, Inc. 06 Nov. 2008. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/self-righteous

    As I write this post, I am sitting in an office in Toowoomba, Queensland, Australia. Tonight I speak to a group of business owners in Brisbane (about 2 hours by car). This is not my first opportunity to work with people in a different country. To date, I have worked in Canada, Germany, England, Scotland, Switzerland, Holland, China, Thailand, Taiwan and now — Australia. This trip has triggered a thought for me that directly affects our approaches to resolving conflict with people at work and at home.

     In driving through Queensland and working with various people here, I am struck by many things. The country side looks like other places I have been, and it is also different. The buildings look like other places I have been, and they are different. The businesses are like others I have visited in the past, and they are different.     

      The differences create energy and enthusiasm for me on this trip. They give me something to focus on as I work to gain greater understanding of this beautiful country, its culture, and its people. The differences provide learning opportunities.    

     In conversation, it’s even a bit fun to joke and laugh about the differences. I have enjoyed lively banter about how Australians and Americans are different.     

     In jest, it’s fun to talk about our differences. In conflict, focusing on differences can destroy the relationship and ultimately the team.

     As I look around Australia and reflect on my experiences in other places with other people and cultures, I realize that we have many more similarities than differences. If we have more similarities across the world than we do differences, I think the same is probably true with the people we work and live with on a daily basis.

     The differences between us bring spark and energy to the team. They show us different perspectives and approaches to the many situations we address every day. They provide opportunities to learn from each other. They can also create discord and strife if we focus on them too strongly.

     So, here’s my closing thought from “down under.” The next time you find yourself in a conflict with a co-worker, family member, or fellow volunteer — look for your similarities. The differences will be pretty obvious. You may feel tempted to focus on them because they frustrate you. Resist this urge. Look for similarities. Look for common ground. That’s where you will likely find the way forward to resolve your conflict.

      Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer 
 

Misinterpreting other people’s intentions creates one of the biggest challenges I see in much of my coaching and training work. I suppose this is a natural part of human nature. Often, the only frame of reference we have for interpreting other people’s behaviors is our own. As a result, we often interpret their behaviors based on how we believe we would react or behave if we were in their situation.Unfortunately, we often don’t know everything about their situation.In a post earlier this week in Settle It Now, Victoria Pynchon states:

Two weeks ago, I had the priviledge to work with my friends at Personality Insights in Atlanta at Share the Passion 2008. On Sunday morning, Christopher Coleman spoke. Christopher’s story is really amazing. In summary, Chris was declared dead at birth and he stayed that way for fifteen minutes until his twin sister was born. When she cried, he cried. So, he was without oxygen for the first fifteen minutes of his life. As a result, he has cerebral palsy, and he is always in a wheelchair.

Many people might see Chris’s condition and feel sorry for him – don’t. Chris is an overcomer. He is a winner. He may have some physical challenges, but I assure you he is not disabled. He speaks with energy. He speaks with passion. He speaks with conviction. Chris is inspiring and encouraging. I am proud to call him my friend.

Since the topic of this blog is resolving conflict in teams, I can almost hear people thinking, “That’s a great story, but what does it have to do with resolving conflict.” From my perspective it has everything to do with it.When I encourage people to start the conflict resolution process by controlling their emotional response, I often hear them say “I can’t help it. That’s just how I am.” The thought that usually goes through my mind is: “You can’t control yourself or you won’t control yourself.” Then, my mind quickly processes these thoughts: “If you can’t control yourself, that may indicate a psychological problem that needs professional help. If you won’t control yourself, that is a performance problem that we need to address. Either way we have a problem here. We do not have an excuse for your contribution to the conflict.”

I acknowledge that self-control can be difficult. I understand that it takes work and effort. That being said, I’m not prepared to accept that most people can’t control themselves. Excuses are harder to accept when I look at Chris. He could easily say that he can’t help it, that’s just the way he is. He’s wheelchair bound and must have others take care of him. To some extent, he does rely on others for assistance with some physical challenges. He does not, however, wallow in his condition. Instead, he uses his condition to encourage and uplift others. He chooses his emotional response to a difficult situation.

Chris sets a great example for any person engaged in a conflict. Choose your response to difficult situations. You may occasionally lose control. That’s understandable. Just accept responsibility for your response and then work to keep yourself under emotional control from that point forward. Set the example for others to follow. Since the human emotional system takes much of its input from external sources, you just might influence the other party to control their emotional state as well. Someone has to set the tone. Why shouldn’t it be you?

Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer 

Watch a video about Chris here.

     Do you know anyone who consistently encourages other people? If you do, do you find it difficult to get angry with them? I know someone like that. He is a man in my church. He has been in the community for many years, and everyone I know loves him. It seems that everyone has only good things to say about him. Even when he does something frustrating, it’s almost impossible to get angry with him. A few days ago, my two daughters were discussing some events at our church. In the course of  the conversation, this gentleman’s name came up, and my oldest daughter said: “He’s so nice. It’s impossible to not like him.”    

     Today, I was looking through the finalists for Kevin Eikenberry’s Best Leadership Blog’s  contest. While perusing the blogs, I found Steve Farber’s post on helping someone else be Greater Than Yourself (GTY). In Steve’s post, he commented on this type of behavior in light of great leadership. I agree with him that people who lift other’s up tend to develop greater influence, and therefore leadership, with others.    

     In the context of conflict resolution, how much relational “capital” would you have with others if you made it a point to look for ways to encourage and lift them up before you had a conflict. How would your past behaviors help you to resolve a current conflict more quickly and productively? I think you would be much further ahead if you had that reputation.  On the extreme opposite side of the issue, I think most of us would agree that discouraging others would put you ”in the hole” with them? That concept is pretty easy to see.    

     What if your behaviors were not that extreme? What if you did not actually discourage people? What if you just failed to consistently encourage them? You would definitely miss the benefit of the other person feeling about you the way my daughters feel about the encourager in our church. You would certainly miss the benefit of the doubt when the inevitable conflict arose in your relationship. You might even start just a little “in the hole.” 

     These thoughts have challenged me today. I think I’ll go look for some opportunities to encourage people. I hope you will do the same.

     Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer

     Another article I wrote on a related topic: Choose to Become an Encourager
     Photo from http://www.sxc.hu/