Posts Tagged ‘parenting’

Last week, my wife and my youngest daughter experienced a communication breakdown. In short, my daughter, at age 13, changed her plans without consulting my wife. This created a problem for two reasons:

1. My daughter moved to a different location than the previously agreed upon location for pick-up, and
2. My daughter’s schedule directly impacts my wife’s schedule.

Understandably, my wife felt frustrated and angry. Rather than address the issue while she was angry, she waited until we could speak about it on Saturday morning.

As we discussed the appropriate parental response, my wife’s frustration from the previous day came to the surface. For a brief moment, she considered “punishing” my daughter. As we spoke, I asked one question: “What is your objective? Do you want to punish her because you are angry or do you want to make sure this behavior does not happen again in the future?” (I’m not convinced that I phrased this question in the best way for her in the moment.)

She stopped briefly. Then she said: “When you put it that way, I suppose I want to make sure this does not happen again in the future.”

In that moment, my wife’s intended actions began to move towards appropriate and natural consequences for my daughter’s behavior and away from consequences that would likely communicate vengeance and anger.

My daughter did not intend to cause problems for her mother. She just did not think through all of the implications of her decision. She has some things to learn. My wife and I need to help her learn them.

My wife did not intend to harm my daughter, she wanted to protect her from making poor decisions in the future. In the emotion of the situation, she initially had a difficult time seeing past her anger.

I had the “emotional upper hand” in this situation. I was not emotionally involved in the events of the previous day. I could easily, in this case, make an objective, third-party observation. My wife lived the situation, and her emotions were directly involved. She had a more difficult time making the switch in thinking because of her emotional investment. She did it. It just was not easy for her to do.

After my wife shifted her thinking about the situation, we then discussed it  further. After a few minutes, we came to an agreement about how to handle the situation in a way that would improve our odds of achieving our real objective – teaching our daughter a life lesson that will serve her well beyond the time she lives with us.

Monday Momentum Message – Be clear about your real objective before you confront another person.

Yesterday, my wife had an interchange with my oldest daughter that did not go very well. I only heard part of it, but I heard enough to know that they experienced a brief conflict.

As I took my daughter to school, I managed to “unpack” her frustration so that we could solve the problem. Through discussion with my daughter, I learned that my wife had offered a solution to a situation at school that my daughter heard as critical of her actions. Please catch this key point: my wife offered a solution, my daughter heard a criticism.

Neither one of them wanted a conflict. Both of them wanted the day to start smoothly. In the rush of getting out the door early in the morning, their communication wires got crossed. No bad intentions were involved. It was just a case of poor communication.

One person thinks and speaks in a direct, bottom-line, “solve the problem” fashion (my wife). The other person thinks and speaks in an indirect, step-by-step, process oriented fashion (my oldest daughter). Both of them want the relationship to work. And both of them have moments of frustration with the other. It’s just a normal, everyday situation.

When I returned home from taking my daughters to school, I discussed the situation with my wife. She openly embraced my observations about our daughter’s perspective without becoming defensive, and she took action to correct the miscommunication as soon as she saw our daughter in the afternoon. My wife took responsibility for the communication breakdown rather than blaming my daughter.

This learning point ties directly to this Monday’s Momentum Message where I asked you to question yourself and your results. My wife did not get the result she wanted, and she immediately questioned her perspective. She looked for ways under her control to correct the situation. As a result, she is building positive momentum into her relationship with our daughter.

Thought for Thursday: Identify the areas in your interactions with others where you subtly (maybe even unintentionally) blame them for problems between you. Then, take the responsibility for fixing the breakdown.

Redirected to www.BusinessRelationshipRx.com.

     He was born in 1917. As the oldest son of a west Texas farmer, he became the man of the family at 17 when his father died. He raised his younger sister, took care of his mother, and married his sweetheart from east Texas.

     He worked a dairy farm. He worked construction. He worked with sheet metal. He worked with his hands until he became a sales engineer in the early days of commercial air conditioning in the Dallas-Fort Worth area.

     Along the way, he cared for his family, loved his wife, and disciplined his three sons. He set an example of ethical behavior, honest speech, and unswerving integrity. His second son followed his example of hard work and honesty.

     The second son worked as a house painter. He worked with his hands until he graduated from college and began to teach. He moved from teaching to writing for newspapers to writing for utility companies. Like his father before him, he stood for honesty and integrity.

     He also cared for his family, loved his wife, and disciplined his children. He too set a great example.

     Two generations of leaders in their communities, their businesses, and their families. They set an example and they mentored others to become leaders as well. They set the example for me of what it means to be a leader, a husband, a father…a man.

     They are my grandfather and my father.

     My grandfather died in January of 2004. He was a great man all the way to the end. He never stopped taking care of my grandmother, and he never stopped setting a good example. My father now lives in Florida with my Mom. He still takes care of her, and he still sets a great example.

     I have learned about integrity, honesty, and character from many sources at this point in my life. None of them has been as important as my grandfather and my father. As Father’s day passes this year, I am reminded of the legacy of leadership they left for me. I hope and pray that, I too, will leave a similar legacy for my two daughters and their children.