Posts Tagged ‘relationship’
August 17th, 2009 | 
Author: This post is more of a question than a statement. I’m looking for input and feedback on this question:
How does the nature of your relationship with another person affect the way you handle/view/approach resolving a conflict with them?
Like many things in life, I have an opinion on this topic. I would just like to hear your perspective as well.
Can you help me out by leaving a comment?
Thanks.
I have moved my blog to RecoveringEngineer.com. Here are excerpts from my two most recent posts. Please join me at my new blog.
Posted in Conflict Resolution, Learning, Listening | 
Tags: communicaion, conflict communication, conflict resolution, Listening, relationship, resolving conflict, understanding | 
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This is a modification of a previous post:
Stop Observe Listen and Deliver
Thanks to my friend Jim Carty for giving me the feedback to improve my acronymn for maintaining self-control in conflict situations. Here’s my original acronymmn based on the word SOLD.
Stop – Stop everything. Do not say or do anything. Resist the urge to speak. Stop your internal dialogue that immediately labels the other person as “wrong.”
Observe – What is the other person saying with their body language? What is their tone? Are they angry or are they hurt?
Listen – Listen carefully to their words. What is their intended meaning? Does what they say have merit? What is their perception? Even if you disagree with their interpretation of events, you will need to understand it before you respond.
Deliver – Deliver your response. To resolve a conflict, they also need to know what you are thinking. Hopefully your conscious effort to listen to them before you speak will do two things: give you time to think clearly and show that you care about their concerns.
In looking at my acronmyn, Jim suggested that I add the letter “I” to form the word SOLID:
Stop – Stop everything. Do not say or do anything. Resist the urge to speak. Stop your internal dialogue that immediately labels the other person as “wrong.”
Observe – What is the other person saying with their body language? What is their tone? Are they angry or are they hurt?
Listen – Listen carefully to their words. What is their intended meaning? Does what they say have merit? What is their perception? Even if you disagree with their interpretation of events, you will need to understand it before you respond.
Interpret – Evaluate what you have learned from Stopping, Observing, and Listening. Make a thoughtful interpretation of their intended meaning. Give yourself the time to think about what you will say or do next.
Deliver – Deliver your response. To resolve a conflict, they also need to know what you are thinking. Hopefully your conscious effort to listen to them before you speak will do two things: give you time to think clearly and show that you care about their concerns.
Thanks to Jim for the suggestion. I have learned many things by working with, listening to, and interacting with Jim. He is a great guy and a fantastic sales trainer. His input is just one more example of how all of us are better than one of us.
So, remember this acronymn to give a SOLID response to stressful conflict situations.
Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer
I have moved my blog to RecoveringEngineer.com. Here are excerpts from my two most recent posts. Please join me at my new blog.
Today, I had the priviledge to serve as a guest lecturer for two classes at Indiana Business College in Lafayette, Indiana. Many of the students at IBC would classify as “non-traditional” students – they are in the workplace and hoping to change or improve their job skills, they have come back to school after some time away, etc. Clearly, this description does not fit every IBC student. It does fit many.
I spoke on Leadership in one class and on Team Building in another. I didn’t really intend for the presentation/discussion to take this direction, but in both cases we gravitated towards the concept of personal responsibility.
As I reflected on these two presentations and other events of the day, it struck me how really significant the concept of assuming personal responsibility is to the concept of resolving conflict. After discussing the thinking, skills, and techniques of effective conflict resolution, leadership, or team dynamics, I get one common question: “What do I do if the other person won’t cooperate with me?” While this question did not come up directly today, it indirectly enter the conversation.
This thought of “what do I do when others won’t cooperate” is a common theme in much of my work. After study, thought, and practical application, I’ve come to the following conclusion: it really doesn’t matter what anyone else does. I have to work on controlling myself, doing what I know is right in the situation, and then letting “the chips fall where they may.” I can only control me, and you can only control you. What we do when others won’t cooperate is to control the desire to push harder, to insist on cooperation, or to withdraw for the purpose of exerting control. (I’m not talking about withdrawing for personal protection. That type of withdrawal is not only wise, it’s necessary.)
So, just some food for thought. As you work to address and resolve the conflicts you face in your various relationships, keep your focus on controlling yourself and forget about attempting to “make” the other person see your perspective.
Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer
I have moved my blog to RecoveringEngineer.com. Here are excerpts from my two most recent posts. Please join me at my new blog.
Posted in Communication Skills, Self-control |
Tags: communication, conflict resolution, relationship, Self-control |
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