Posts Tagged ‘resolving conflict’

Recently, a group that I frequently work with decided to do some community outreach work. In the process, they put together a project to help families struggling with food costs.

As the project developed, one person started making implementation plans. Another person asked some questions that had not yet been answered. The questions didn’t get back to the original person quickly enough. And, the project almost ended in an open conflict within an organization built on the premise of helping and serving others.

Fortunately, the potential conflict quickly dissipated when the two key people involved got the opportunity to speak and clarify a few questions.

Both people had good intentions. Both people asked valid questions. Both people wanted to help. Neither person wanted a conflict.

In the midst of this event, the title of this post became clear for me. Confusion breeds conflict.

In many situations I have observed, what initially appeared to be a major conflict was actually just a miscommunication.

The next time you see a brewing conflict, start by working on communication issues. Look for areas of communication breakdown. In many cases, you will likely find that the conflict isn’t really a conflict. It’s just a misunderstanding.

Photo by e-magic.

I’ve written about the power of apology in the past, and today I was reminded of the power of the words “I’m sorry” by a short article I read in the November 23 edition of BusinessWeek magazine.

As part of a larger article titled 10 Ways to Cut Health-Care Costs Right Now, I found item number 10 under the heading: Aplogize to the Patient.

This short piece quickly describes the financial impact of a program initiated by the Sorry Works! Coalition. Sorry Works! suggests that hospitals immediately inform patients and their families of medical errors, investigate the cause, change procedures if necessary, and offer a settlement if the heath-care provider is at fault.

In effect, they promote saying: “I’m sorry.”

According to the article, the University of Michigan Health System and the University of Illinois Medical Center in Chicago both reported significant (in the range of 40-50%) reduction in malpractice claims by applying the Sorry Works! program.

So, what’s the implication to workplace conflict resolution?

Just say, “I’m sorry.”

Very rarely have I ever been involved in a dispute with another person when they were totally at fault. In most situations, I have contributed to the situation in one way or another.

Rather than debate the what I did or didn’t say, what you did or didn’t say, what I did or didn’t intend, or what you did or didn’t intend points of the conflict, just say “I’m sorry.”

I’m sorry for what I said or did. That’s it. No justification. No rehashing of the events. No blaming.

Will this always work? No.

Will it usually work? Yes – the reduction in malpractice suits proves it.

“I’m sorry” flies in the face of our natural need to protect ourselves. It’s often difficult to say, and it works.

Recently, I participated in a meeting for an organization where I serve as one of the leaders. During the meeting, one person made a statement of opinion. Then another member countered with their opinion. Pretty soon, the two of them were engaged in a heated discussion. Both of them were arguing there positions relative to the other persons.

As I sat and listened to this interchange, it occured to me that the first person did not thouroughly understand the perspective of the second person. Because of the misunderstanding, he launched into a long explanation of his perspective and how the other person should adjust theirs.

Person number two realized that person number one misunderstood his point, and he attempted to clarify it.

Sadly, person number one was emotionally invested at this point, and he literally could not hear or understand the other person’s perspective. As a result, the heated exchange continued far longer than it should have.

If person number one had asked one simple question to begin the dialogue, I believe things would have turned out quite differently. If he had stated his understanding of the other person’s perspective and then asked if he understood correctly, I think the whole conversation would have proceeded in calmer, less emotionally charged direction.

Rather than launching into a monologue about how the other person viewed things wrong, he could have started this way: “If I understood correctly, your concern is _____. Is that correct?”

This simple statement of understanding followed by a question to allow for clarification could have prevented the whole ugly interchange.

As the scenario played out in our meeting, the elevation of emotion over a misunderstanding blocked the first person’s ability to hear the second person’s attempts to clarify.

Here’s the learning point, we don’t always understand what people intend to communicate just because we heard the words they used. Acknowledging that our understanding could be flawed, creates the emotional space for clarification that will head off many unnecessary conflicts.

I don’t propose that this approach will stop every conflict. I do suggest it will help eliminate many miscommunications that could easily escalate to conflict.

As you go through this week and interact with others, I encourage you to question your understanding. When you feel your emotions rise in response to what someone says, remember to ask for clarification. You just might have heard it wrong.

Image courtesy www.sxc.hu.

I found this video today as I was looking around the web for new ideas and learning resources. At the moment, I don’t have much to say to add to this teacher’s comments.

I was really intrigued by her comment that young children are often better at finding creative solutions to conflicts than adults.

This is a quick video with some really powerful one-liners. I suggest you watch it and take note of this teacher’s keen insights into the essence of effective conflict resolution.

Here’s a summary of some key points (there are more good lessons in the video than I have noted):

• It’s important that we pay attention to the feelings expressed when discussing a problem because it’s the feelings that people can most often relate to and use to understand how their behavior impacts others.
• It strengthens relationships when we work together to meet both people’s needs.
• We think of solutions in a brainstorming way because solutions often generate new solutions.
• Conflict resolution skills apply to people of all ages.
• Younger children are often better at resolving conflicts than adults because they are more creative.

This post is more of a question than a statement. I’m looking for input and feedback on this question:

How does the nature of your relationship with another person affect the way you handle/view/approach resolving a conflict with them?

Like many things in life, I have an opinion on this topic. I would just like to hear your perspective as well.

Can you help me out by leaving a comment?

Thanks.

Just in case you would like to have some fun with another person in your next disagreement, here are some tips for quickly escalating a minor miscommunication to a full-blown conflict.

1) Tell them what they’re feeling

When you want to get a strong emotional response from somone, just tell them what they are feeling. For example, you could say “don’t get angry with me.” This comment is just about guaranteed to get an angry response even if they were not already angry.

You might also try something like this, “why are you so defensive?” I love that one. It almost always puts the other person on the defensive so that their emotions elevate to the point that we can really get into a good argument.

2) Tell them why they did what they did (or said what they said)

This is a sure fire way to get under someone’s skin and escalate a conflict. When you tell another person their motivation for their words and actions, you can easily spin them up. Little comments like “you just said that because you’re jealous” or “you did that because you want to get even with me” are great for making a conflict worse.

If you’re determined to fan their emotional flames, mix in some amateur psychoanalysis. You could say something like “you are so OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder)” or “you must have relationship issues or something.”

3) Raise your voice

If you’re ready for a good knock-down-drag-out confrontation, raise your voice. This technique is great for getting their emotional juices flowing. Add a little finger-pointing and leaning forward to the recipe, and you just might push them over the edge. It’s great fun!

4) Focus on the past

As you start to get into a good conflict, focus on something that they have no power to change: the past. Refuse to discuss actions for future behaviors or ways of interacting. Insist that they deconstruct and defend their past words and actions.

You don’t have to look too far in the past for this technique to be effective. You can work with what they just said. If you push hard, you can spend a good 10 or 15 minutes telling them:

Since they cannot change what has already happened, you can lock them into a conflict with no way out.

Raise your voice while you focus on the past, and you can have even more fun with them.

5) Walk away

Just as you get the other person really frustrated and upset, turn and walk away.

If you add some sort of sarcastic comment like “you’re always so difficult” or “I’m not going to talk with you about this anymore,” you can plant the seeds of a conflict that goes on for days. This is a fantastic tactic for keeping the conflict ball in the air for an extended period of time.

Hopefully, you see the tongue-in-cheek message in this post. I don’t actually advocate any of these behaviors, and I work every day to keep them out of my communication practices. However, I am human, and sometimes one or two of them will creep in on me.

Take a look at yourself. Do any of these behaviors ever show up in your conflict communication style?

If you want to learn the skills of effective workplace conflict resolution, I suggest that you work to do just the opposite of these five conflict escalation practices.

Photo by jsaneb on flickr.

I’m running a bit behind in my preparations for a trip today, and most of my blog readers are not my newsletter readers. So, I’m posting my most recent newsletter article here today. I’ll be back for my next scheduled post this Thursday.

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When you have explained something a number of times to the same person or group of people, it is really easy to allow your frustration with the communication process to build. It’s a small step from frustration to anger, and another small step from anger to an escalating conflict.

A failure to understand generally indicates only a few possible scenarios:

1. I haven’t explained it properly or in a way that makes sense to them.
2. I haven’t yet explained it enough times (most people need to hear new concepts something like 5-7 times to grasp and remember them)
3. They don’t have the capability to understand the concept
4. They simply don’t care to understand or remember.

Let’s consider each of these possibilities.

In the case where I haven’t yet explained it properly, the fault lies entirely with me. So, I have no reason to get angry with the other person.

If the concept is new or complicated, having to explain it several times is normal. Why should I get angry when it takes several explanations for it to make sense to them?

When people don’t have the capability to understand a concept for some reason, I am asking them to do something beyond their skill or maturity level. Again, the fault lies with me and my expectations and not with them. And, again, I have no reason to get angry with them.

If the other person simply does not care to understand or remember, I have to evaluate the relative importance of the task/concept compared to the value of the relationship. If the balance tilts towards preserving the relationship, I have to place the task or concept as a secondary priority. If the balance tilts towards the task or concept, then I have to find a way to get the task done with or without the other person. In either case, I have to ask myself if getting angry will accomplish the desired results. 

As a parent, I get the frequent opportunity to “practice what I preach” with regard to this conflict resolution tip. In working with my children (now 14 and 16), I often experience situations where we are discussing the same problem, issue, or overlooked task for the third, fourth, or fifth time.

Now that we are firmly into summer vacation season and my kids are home all day, I get these opportunities pretty regularly. I have to keep reminding myself that getting angry because they do not understand will probably not help the situation.

In the vast majority of situations, I find that the real cause for the problem lies within me. I have not yet explained it properly. I have not yet explained it enough times for it to “sink in.” Or my expectation of their comprehension is beyond where they are at the time.

Seldom do I experience situations where people simply do not want to understand. Even in those rare situations where I have experienced a total lack of concern, I often find that there is something I can do to make the issue important for the other person. In these cases, I find myself back at scenario number one: I haven’t yet explained it in a way that makes sense to them.

As you work with people on your team or in your family, remember not to get angry because they don’t understand.

Photo by Zen Sutherland.