Posts Tagged ‘Self-control’

I’ve written about the power of apology in the past, and today I was reminded of the power of the words “I’m sorry” by a short article I read in the November 23 edition of BusinessWeek magazine.

As part of a larger article titled 10 Ways to Cut Health-Care Costs Right Now, I found item number 10 under the heading: Aplogize to the Patient.

This short piece quickly describes the financial impact of a program initiated by the Sorry Works! Coalition. Sorry Works! suggests that hospitals immediately inform patients and their families of medical errors, investigate the cause, change procedures if necessary, and offer a settlement if the heath-care provider is at fault.

In effect, they promote saying: “I’m sorry.”

According to the article, the University of Michigan Health System and the University of Illinois Medical Center in Chicago both reported significant (in the range of 40-50%) reduction in malpractice claims by applying the Sorry Works! program.

So, what’s the implication to workplace conflict resolution?

Just say, “I’m sorry.”

Very rarely have I ever been involved in a dispute with another person when they were totally at fault. In most situations, I have contributed to the situation in one way or another.

Rather than debate the what I did or didn’t say, what you did or didn’t say, what I did or didn’t intend, or what you did or didn’t intend points of the conflict, just say “I’m sorry.”

I’m sorry for what I said or did. That’s it. No justification. No rehashing of the events. No blaming.

Will this always work? No.

Will it usually work? Yes – the reduction in malpractice suits proves it.

“I’m sorry” flies in the face of our natural need to protect ourselves. It’s often difficult to say, and it works.

We all have experience. You get experience by simply living life. However, our experiences really don’t matter if we fail to reflect on and learn from them.

Over the last few days, I have been reading a fascinating book titled The Brain that Changes Itself. I haven’t finished the book yet, but I really like what I’ve been learning so far. I’ll likely have more insights from this book in the next few weeks.

The key point of today’s post is this, experience without reflection is rather pointless.

Here’s a quote from the book referencing a study on brain plasticity (changes in brain structure and function) done by mapping brain activity in monkeys:

…Merzenich (the researcher) discovered that paying close attention is essential to long-term plastic change. In numerous experiments he found that lasting changes occurred only when his monkeys paid close attention. When the animals performed tasks automatically, without paying attention, they changed their brain maps, but the changes did not last. We often praise “the ability to multitask.” While you can learn when you divide your attention, divided attention doesn’t lead to abiding change in your brain maps.

In short, failure to focus – reflect on your experience – does not lead to long-term learning and improvement.

I have often noticed that some people have 20 years of experience and other people have 1 year of experience 20 times.

I’m guessing that the former group thinks about and reflects on the lessons from their experiences and the latter group keeps having the same experiences without ever stopping to reflect or focus on them. The former group “changes their brain map” and the latter group doesn’t.

To become a better communicator, parent, teacher, student, or leader, I suggest that you stop to reflect on your experiences so that you can learn from them rather than consistently experiencing interactions on autopilot so that you have the experience but not the learning.

Remember, experience is mandatory but learning is optional.

Photo courtesy of www.sxc.hu.

I’m running a bit behind in my preparations for a trip today, and most of my blog readers are not my newsletter readers. So, I’m posting my most recent newsletter article here today. I’ll be back for my next scheduled post this Thursday.

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When you have explained something a number of times to the same person or group of people, it is really easy to allow your frustration with the communication process to build. It’s a small step from frustration to anger, and another small step from anger to an escalating conflict.

A failure to understand generally indicates only a few possible scenarios:

1. I haven’t explained it properly or in a way that makes sense to them.
2. I haven’t yet explained it enough times (most people need to hear new concepts something like 5-7 times to grasp and remember them)
3. They don’t have the capability to understand the concept
4. They simply don’t care to understand or remember.

Let’s consider each of these possibilities.

In the case where I haven’t yet explained it properly, the fault lies entirely with me. So, I have no reason to get angry with the other person.

If the concept is new or complicated, having to explain it several times is normal. Why should I get angry when it takes several explanations for it to make sense to them?

When people don’t have the capability to understand a concept for some reason, I am asking them to do something beyond their skill or maturity level. Again, the fault lies with me and my expectations and not with them. And, again, I have no reason to get angry with them.

If the other person simply does not care to understand or remember, I have to evaluate the relative importance of the task/concept compared to the value of the relationship. If the balance tilts towards preserving the relationship, I have to place the task or concept as a secondary priority. If the balance tilts towards the task or concept, then I have to find a way to get the task done with or without the other person. In either case, I have to ask myself if getting angry will accomplish the desired results. 

As a parent, I get the frequent opportunity to “practice what I preach” with regard to this conflict resolution tip. In working with my children (now 14 and 16), I often experience situations where we are discussing the same problem, issue, or overlooked task for the third, fourth, or fifth time.

Now that we are firmly into summer vacation season and my kids are home all day, I get these opportunities pretty regularly. I have to keep reminding myself that getting angry because they do not understand will probably not help the situation.

In the vast majority of situations, I find that the real cause for the problem lies within me. I have not yet explained it properly. I have not yet explained it enough times for it to “sink in.” Or my expectation of their comprehension is beyond where they are at the time.

Seldom do I experience situations where people simply do not want to understand. Even in those rare situations where I have experienced a total lack of concern, I often find that there is something I can do to make the issue important for the other person. In these cases, I find myself back at scenario number one: I haven’t yet explained it in a way that makes sense to them.

As you work with people on your team or in your family, remember not to get angry because they don’t understand.

Photo by Zen Sutherland.

In The Phantom Menace, the great Jedi master Yoda says: “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

Fear in one or both parties is often the root of conflict, and we all fear something.

Some people fear losing control. Some fear looking bad in front of others. Other people fear confrontation. Still others fear having to make a decision with limited information. I could go on and on listing the fears we confront in our interactions with others.

To successfully resolve conflict, someone has to step outside the fear and get a handle on it so that it doesn’t lead to anger, hate and suffering.

The question for today is: What are you afraid of?

I have seen “problem” defined as “a situation that you want to change.”

Under this definition, if I don’t want to change the situation, I don’t have a problem.

If, I want to change the situation, then I have a problem.

Every situation that I want to change has something wrong with it. In general, I don’t want to change things that are running smoothly.

If something is wrong with the situation, then something either has happened or will happen to make the situation undesirable. To solve the problem, I have to consider that my thoughts, ideas, and feelings about the circumstances surrounding the situation just might be wrong.

There might be a different way to describe the situation that allows me to see a better solution than the first one that popped into my head.

Staying open to alternative solutions was one of the most powerful lessons I learned as a process design and development engineer. Since then, I have read numerous books, articles, and essays on how to keep my mind open to different problem solving approaches. I have watched videos and listened to audio programs on creativity.

I keep striving to quiet the voice in my head that says, “the first solution I found is the one and only right way to solve this problem.”

In working with people, I have learned that resolving conflict is just like solving a problem.

An interpersonal conflict is generally a situation that I want to change. So, it fits in the definition of a “problem.”

So, when I attempt to resolve workplace or family conflicts, I need to consider that I just might be wrong.

I really dislike this idea. It forces me to get outside my own perspective in the moments when I really do not want to make the effort.

Sadly, the same little voice I mentioned above often tells me that the source of the problem I face in resolving a conflict is the other person.

This morning, I read a great post titled Kill Your Little Darlings over at Women on Business. M.J. Ryan, the author of this post, starts this way:

William Faulkner once said that writers needed to “kill their little darlings.”  It’s a message about how, in order for inspiration to enter, we need to let go of the ideas we’re so in love with to make room for something better. It’s a willingness that everyone in business needs these days.

What a great concept! This idea applies to writers, to business owners, and to people attempting to resolve workplace conflicts.

In order to resolve a conflict, I have to be willing to consider ideas, thoughts, and feelings other than my own.

I have to set aside my perspectives, if only momentarily, to step into the world of the other person. To to do that, I need to “kill my little darlings” and consider the thought that I just might be wrong.

If everyone that you work with is an idiot, I have a suggestion for you:

Check your attitude.

Or, as I heard a speaker say one time, “Give your head a shake.”

In Winning with People, John Maxwell defines what he calls the Bob Principle: “If Bob has a problem with everyone, then Bob is the problem.”

We all have days when we struggle in our communication and relationship with others. I have them, my friends and colleagues have them, and I’m pretty sure that you have them too.

It doesn’t happen often, but I do have days when nearly everyone around me is an “idiot.” On those days, virtually everyone frustrates me, and, if I am honest, I find that I am the real problem. I am tired, hungry, distracted, or stressed. Something is usually going on in my life that reduces my ability to interact calmly, sanely, and professionally. On those days, I am Bob.

So, when you have a day where everyone is an “idiot,” I suggest that you check your attitude and “give your head a shake.” Step back, figure out what is really bothering you, and deal with that. When you do, other people will cease to be “idiots.”

Image from www.sxc.hu.

If you look through my blog, you will probably notice that Tammy Lenski is one of my favorite conflict resolution bloggers. She consistently has great content at Conflict Zen.

This weekend, I noticed this post where she mentions that she will be speaking at a Women’s Leadership Summit in Manchester, NH in June. Her post inspired my thinking for my topic today.

Here’s the short version of what she will be speaking about at this conference:

Too many negotiations get cluttered with baggage, sidetracks, pop-psych diagnoses and other traps that inhibit reaching resolution and minimizing debris in personal and professional relationships.

A professional mediator and negotiation coach will teach you how to unclutter negotiations and focus on the most important parts of the discussion. You will learn how to:

• Recognize what is really important in any negotiation.
• Keep the conversation on track.
• Set aside the garbage and prevent it from polluting the negotiation.

Reading the description of her talk reminded me of how often we let conversations get too complicated. We talk at length about past events that cannot be undone. We go off on tangents about what would have happened if:

• I had done this
• You had done that
• I had said it this way
• You had said it that way
• blah, blah, blah…

How many times have you found yourself “in the weeds” when speaking to your coworker, your boss, your spouse, or your child about a conflict? For me, I find that it happens far too frequently. When it does happen, focusing on the past is almost always the cause.

I find that getting off-track tends to come from an effort to discuss or fix things that either do not really matter to the future of our relationship or cannot be changed by anything we do in the future.

In writing this post, I find myself thinking about one of my favorite scenes from the Disney movie The Lion King. As Simba, the young lion, and Raficki, the wise, old monkey, walk across a field, Raficki hits Simba on the head with his walking stick. Simba says: “Hey, wha’d ya’ do that for?” Raficki replies: “It don’t matta’. It’s in the past.”

With that thought in mind, here’s my Monday Momentum Message: Focus more energy on what you can do to positively impact the future than you do on what happened negatively in the past.

The well timed and disciplined pause can be a great conflict resolution tool. While conflict resolution nearly always requires a face-to-face conversation, knowing when not to speak can be just as important as knowing when to speak and what to say.

As Abraham Lincoln said: “I am very little inclined on any occasion to say anything unless I hope to produce some good by it.”

As you move through this week, keep in mind this Monday Momentum Message: Use the Power of the Pause.