Posts Tagged ‘Self-control’

In my last post, I offered three ways to Be a Victor, Not a Victim. In the context of conflict resolution, the thought is not about seeking victory during a conflict. Rather, the thought is about taking personal responsibility so that we don’t “play the victim” by blaming the other party.

Today, I’m offering a thought that goes with my last post. A thought that will allow you to own your piece of the conflict much more easily. Simply put, the idea is this:

Consciously assume that the other person had a positive intention for whatever they did or said.

If you are anything like me, this will take some work. On more than one occasion, I have assumed the worst of people and gotten angry only to learn later that the other party did not intend what I assumed they intended. I have thought that people were insulting me, only to find that I misunderstood some colloquial phrase. I have thought that people were angry, when they were actually in pain or frustrated by an event that had nothing to do with me.

Rather than assume that someone intends to harm me, I have learned to first assume that I misunderstood. I assume that they meant something other than what I heard, or that they are struggling to communicate their thoughts and feelings. By assuming the positive, I have found that I feel less stress, less frustration, and less irritation with others. Because I feel less stress, I am better able to work to understand their perspective without feeling compelled to force my perspective on them.

I am not perfect at applying this principle. Just read through my blog, and you will find examples of times when I did not pull this off very well. In fact, it is in the times that I failed to do this that I learned the lesson again.

When we assume positive intent, we have greater control over our emotional response, and we retain the power to control what we can control – ourselves.

In looking over the post before publishing it, I notice that it begs the question: “What if people really do mean you harm?” I acknowledge that some people really do have ill intent, and that opens a whole different sort of discussion. I find that starting with the presumption of positive intent, I am more often right about them than I am wrong. As a result, I have fewer real conflicts with people, and the ones I do have get resolved much more quickly. It is when I assume negative intent that I have more problems.

Thought for Thursday: Assume positive intent until they prove otherwise.

(I owe a hat tip to Kit Cooper for reminding me of this idea with his post over at Lifehack.

I have two colleagues. Both of them contribute something valuable to our personal and professional relationships. Both of them are good at what they do. Both of them have strong opinions. Both of them feel free to express their opinions. Both of them have direct and bottom-line communication styles. Both of them have a very strong task orientation. Both of them have a sarcastic approach to humor.

I respect what both of them “bring to the table.”

One of them makes a statement that I laugh at and accept as a joke. I might even reply with my own humorous sarcasm.

The other makes a similar statement that I take personally and accept as criticism. I might even directly challenge why they said something sarcastic to me.

What’s the difference? Why does one of them bring out a protective response and the other brings out a humorous one?

Is it them? Or, is it me?

While there are differences in their approaches. There are far more similarities than differences. The similarities make me wonder, “Could I be overly sensitive with one of them? Could I be looking for a reason to take offense?”

I’m not with you every day. I don’t know everything about every interaction you have. I am with me, and I know that sometimes (maybe  I should say “often”) the response other people get from me has more to do with my perception and my thinking than it has to do with them.

I think I need to check my thinking about some of the people in my life. I think I need to work on receiving them more openly and  less judgmentally so that we experience less conflict, our relationships can move forward, and our business ventures can prosper.

Over the next week,  I plan to focus on asking the question “Could it be me?” rather than assuming the problem is with them. Won’t you join me?

Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer

Remember to pause before responding. A short pause will help you gain emotional control so that you respond rather than react.

Related Articles:

• Remember to Respond Rather Than React
• Conflict Resolution Tips: Task-oriented People With People-oriented People
• Conflict Resoluton Tips: People-oriented People With Task-oriented People
• Slow Down to Speed Up
• Connecting With People
• Give a SOLID Response

Or…How To Start A Conflict

     In my last post, I shared a victory I experienced by remembering a key point of conflict resolution. Just to keep things balanced, I think it’s only fair to share a point I remembered after I failed to follow good conflict resolution principles.

     This morning over breakfast, my wife mispronounced a word, and, before I engaged my brain, I corrected her. As the words left my mouth, I knew that I should have remained silent or waited for another time. Maybe it would be acceptable to point out her error in private, but I did it in front of our kids. Not wise. 

     I immediately sensed her frustration, and attempted to correct the damage by apologizing. To my wife’s credit, she graciously accepted the apology, and we continued our day without further incident. She was “on her game.” I was not.

     I violated several key conflict resolution principles in this situation:

     Previously, I posted an entry about a challenge for Conflict Resolution Day.  This post is a follow-up on my progress towards applying this commitment: 

     This is a modification of a previous post:

     I nearly missed it. If I didn’t have online friends, I guess I would miss lots of things. Anyway, today is Conflict Resolution Day. I owe my learning of this event to Tammy Lenski at Conflict Zen in her posting titled Honoring conflict resolution day: what 1 thing will you do? .    

     Here’s Tammy’s challenge: