Posts Tagged ‘Self-control’

Misinterpreting other people’s intentions creates one of the biggest challenges I see in much of my coaching and training work. I suppose this is a natural part of human nature. Often, the only frame of reference we have for interpreting other people’s behaviors is our own. As a result, we often interpret their behaviors based on how we believe we would react or behave if we were in their situation.Unfortunately, we often don’t know everything about their situation.In a post earlier this week in Settle It Now, Victoria Pynchon states:

Two weeks ago, I had the priviledge to work with my friends at Personality Insights in Atlanta at Share the Passion 2008. On Sunday morning, Christopher Coleman spoke. Christopher’s story is really amazing. In summary, Chris was declared dead at birth and he stayed that way for fifteen minutes until his twin sister was born. When she cried, he cried. So, he was without oxygen for the first fifteen minutes of his life. As a result, he has cerebral palsy, and he is always in a wheelchair.

Many people might see Chris’s condition and feel sorry for him – don’t. Chris is an overcomer. He is a winner. He may have some physical challenges, but I assure you he is not disabled. He speaks with energy. He speaks with passion. He speaks with conviction. Chris is inspiring and encouraging. I am proud to call him my friend.

Since the topic of this blog is resolving conflict in teams, I can almost hear people thinking, “That’s a great story, but what does it have to do with resolving conflict.” From my perspective it has everything to do with it.When I encourage people to start the conflict resolution process by controlling their emotional response, I often hear them say “I can’t help it. That’s just how I am.” The thought that usually goes through my mind is: “You can’t control yourself or you won’t control yourself.” Then, my mind quickly processes these thoughts: “If you can’t control yourself, that may indicate a psychological problem that needs professional help. If you won’t control yourself, that is a performance problem that we need to address. Either way we have a problem here. We do not have an excuse for your contribution to the conflict.”

I acknowledge that self-control can be difficult. I understand that it takes work and effort. That being said, I’m not prepared to accept that most people can’t control themselves. Excuses are harder to accept when I look at Chris. He could easily say that he can’t help it, that’s just the way he is. He’s wheelchair bound and must have others take care of him. To some extent, he does rely on others for assistance with some physical challenges. He does not, however, wallow in his condition. Instead, he uses his condition to encourage and uplift others. He chooses his emotional response to a difficult situation.

Chris sets a great example for any person engaged in a conflict. Choose your response to difficult situations. You may occasionally lose control. That’s understandable. Just accept responsibility for your response and then work to keep yourself under emotional control from that point forward. Set the example for others to follow. Since the human emotional system takes much of its input from external sources, you just might influence the other party to control their emotional state as well. Someone has to set the tone. Why shouldn’t it be you?

Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer 

Watch a video about Chris here.

   When I entered my last post , I fully intended to add content to each of the seven communication tips in subsequent entries. As I have attempted to expand on my thoughts from that post this week, I have drawn a blank every time I sit down to write.    The thought that has been at the top of my mind this week is the title of this post – develop an attitude of curiosity. So, I’ll write on this topic for now and save my expanded thoughts on my previous post for later.  My thinking on this topic comes from my recent coaching and training experience. As I work with clients, I see the opposite of curiosity – judgment – driving much thinking during conflict conversations. Here’s how I see the difference between these two attitudes:

   As I was looking through some of my favorite blogs this evening, I found this post by Tammy Lenski – 7 phrases you can’t say in conflict resolution. In her post, Tammy lists some of the communication errors we often encounter in the process of resolving conflict. I read and enjoyed Tammy’s post, and then a thought hit me. Six of the seven blunder’s shift blame and minimize personal responsibility.

   The original post contained great content, and I certainly don’t want to minimize Tammy’s work. That being said, here are some amplifying thoughts on the six points that struck me.

1. “Don’t take it personally.” This statement subtly implies that the other person’s emotions have no merit. It says that they should listen to our frustrations, fears, and concerns without having any of their own.
2. “He’s a difficult person.” This simple statement makes the conflict entirely the other person’s fault. It shifts blame without regard to what we might have done to encourage the other person to become “difficult.”
3. “She can’t handle change.” Another blame shifting statement. With a few words, we can make the conflict the other person’s fault without acknowledging that we may be moving too quickly or not considering the other person’s viewpoint.
4. “Be respectful.” As Tammy indicated in her post, 20 different people can have 20 different definitions of what “respectful” looks like. This statement is also a subtle blame shifting comment. In effect, telling the other person to “be respectful” says that any harsh, unkind, or unthoughtful words we might utter are the result of their “disrespect.”
5. “Control yourself.” Similar to “Be respectful.” We just told the other person that their out-of-control (based on our perception) behavior is the cause for anything we might have done to contribute to the conflict. This is a self-justifying statement.
6. “You shouldn’t feel that way.” This statement came from the comments to the original post. Who are we to tell someone else how they “should” feel or what they “should” think. This statement is patronizing. It implies that we somehow see the truth more clearly than the other person in the conflict.

   One of the keys to avoiding these errors begins with the mindset that we take into a conflict. When we own our contribution to the conflict and then focus our energies on understanding the other person’s perspective and clearly communicating our concerns without shifting blame, we can avoid these conflict resolution errors.  

   Many thanks to Tammy for creating the original list.
  

   Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer

     Conflicts often go badly because of poor communication skills. I once read the results of a survey that indicated one of the leading causes of conflicts escalating to violence was the inability to communicate effectively. I could not find that source again as I wrote this post. So, I am uncomfortable claiming the statistic as the absolute truth. However, it does make sense.

     In The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, Patrick Lencioni makes the point that people don’t have a need to get their way so much as they have a need to be heard and understood. If we accept the premise that people need to be understood, then a feeling that we are not understood can trigger some pretty strong emotions. After all, a need, not a desire or wish, is going unfulfilled. Unfulfilled needs always create a strong emotional response (for example: hunger, thirst, sleep, etc.).

     When we can’t communicate our thoughts, feelings, and frustrations, we feel misunderstood. This feeling creates an emotional response in us that we probably communicate to the other person in our body language and tone. They sense our heightened emotional state, and they respond in kind. (Our emotions generally take input from external sources – other people. I’ll go into that more later. For now, let’s just run with the idea.)

     Now we have entered what Dan Dana, author of Managing Differences, calls the “retaliatory cycle.” The retaliatory cylce leads to increasing levels of emotion and conflict. Since we have all experienced this situation, almost all of us fear it. It leads to frustration, anger, hurt feelings, broken relationships, and unresolved conflict.

     Is it any wonder we fear, and therefore avoid or attack, when we sense a conflict coming on? We are simply trying to avoid the pain that we anticipate will come.

     One of the keys to breaking this cycle starts with improving communication skills. Improved communication skills is not a silver bullet that will cure all conflicts. It is a huge step in the right direction.

     I’ll be sharing more tips to address this fear later. For now, take a look at these resources I recommend over at my Squidoo page on Good Conflict. You can also look through my Book Recommendation category in this blog.

Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer
Picture courtesy stock.xchg.

Redirected to its new location at www.BusinessRelationshipRx.com.

Here are some books that I highly recommend for anyone who desires to grow in their leadership, communication, and conflict resolution skills.

QBQ! The Question Behind The Question

QBQ addresses the issue of personal accountability and responsibility. It is a fast read that really makes an impact.

The Anatomy of Peace

The Anatomy of Peace addresses the key mindset of effective conflict resolution. It asks the question: “Is your heart at peace or is it at war with the other person?” This book has really affected how I approach conflict situations.

Leadership & Self-Deception

Leadership and Self-Deception is the first book by the Arbinger Institute on the issue of how we view others in leadership and in conflict. Although it was published first, the story picks-up after the events described in The Anatomy of Peace.

Read and enjoy these great books.

Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer

     Today, I had the priviledge to serve as a guest lecturer for two classes at Indiana Business College in Lafayette, Indiana. Many of the students at IBC would classify as “non-traditional” students – they are in the workplace and hoping to change or improve their job skills, they have come back to school after some time away, etc. Clearly, this description does not fit every IBC student. It does fit many.

     I spoke on Leadership in one class and on Team Building in another. I didn’t really intend for the presentation/discussion to take this direction, but in both cases we gravitated towards the concept of personal responsibility.

     As I reflected on these two presentations and other events of the day, it struck me how really significant the concept of assuming personal responsibility is to the concept of resolving conflict. After discussing the thinking, skills, and techniques of effective conflict resolution, leadership, or team dynamics, I get one common question: “What do I do if the other person won’t cooperate with me?” While this question did not come up directly today, it indirectly enter the conversation.

     This thought of “what do I do when others won’t cooperate” is a common theme in much of my work. After study, thought, and practical application, I’ve come to the following conclusion: it really doesn’t matter what anyone else does. I have to work on controlling myself, doing what I know is right in the situation, and then letting “the chips fall where they may.” I can only control me, and you can only control you. What we do when others won’t cooperate is to control the desire to push harder, to insist on cooperation, or to withdraw for the purpose of exerting control. (I’m not talking about withdrawing for personal protection. That type of withdrawal is not only wise, it’s necessary.)

     So, just some food for thought. As you work to address and resolve the conflicts you face in your various relationships, keep your focus on controlling yourself and forget about attempting to “make” the other person see your perspective.

     Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer