Posts Tagged ‘understanding’

I just read a great post about the value of focusing on other people during communications over on Bert Decker’s Blog.

I recommend that you read this post. It is full of great insights about the power of focusing on other people when you attempt to communicate with them.

Successful conflict resolution revolves around and depends upon successful communication skills. The idea of focusing on others to understand their perspective, their needs, and their feelings forms the basis for many conflict resolution techniques and approaches.

Monday Momentum Message: If you want to master the skills of conflict resolution pros, find ways to understand and connect with the other person’s perspective.

Misunderstanding and miscommunication cause many of the conflicts we experience in life. As a result, working to reduce misunderstanding and miscommunication forms the foundation for much of my work to assist teams in their efforts to reduce and resolve conflicts.

When we work for clarity of communication, clarity of understanding, and clarity of intention, we move in the direction of eliminating conflict before it begins.

A curious rather than a judgmental attitude, asking thoughtful questions, and listening intently to the answers, all pave the way for clarity. These actions also pave the way for a productive team environment.

Thought for Thursday – Strive for clarity in all of your communications.

     I am standing at a “laptop bar” in the Orlando Airport, and I am working quickly to post this thought before my plane boards for Indianapolis. I may have actually written this before. I’m in a hurry. I don’t really have time to check my archive. So, at the risk of repeating myself, I’m posting this thought because it is so important.

     When you communicate with another person, avoid the trap of assuming that you understand them or that they understand you. Push for absolute clarity. To do that, I recommend that you master the use of two questions:

1. When you want to ensure that you understand correctly, ask the following question – “Can I repeat back to you what I heard yoou say so that I can make sure I understood correctly?”
2. When you want to ensure that you have been understood,  ask this – “Just to make sure that I communicated clearly, could you repeat back to me what you heard me say?”

     You can ask these questions in many different ways if you remember this key point: whatever words you use, make sure that you take responsibility for any misunderstanding or miscommunication.

     Asking the right question allows you to engage in dialogue (rather than mutual monologue) with the other person so that you minimize the chance of a miscommunication. Taking responsibility for any miscommunication reduces the risk that they will be offended by the question.

     Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer

     Have you ever been absolutely sure that you were right about someone else’s bad thoughts, hostile feelings or harmful intentions only to later find that you were wrong? I have.

     During the time that you held this mistaken view of their perspective, did you act in ways that made the conflict worse? I did.

     When you later learned of their true thoughts, feelings, or intentions; did you then realize how harmful your own words and actions had contributed to the escalating conflict between you? That was my experience.

     The title of this post has become one of the most powerful conflict resolution concepts that I personally work to apply. Learning to question my perspective before judging someone else’s (my spouse, my kids, my colleagues, or clients) has saved me from speaking or acting in harmful ways on more occasions than I can now recall. Sadly, when I don’t question my perspective and rush to action based on my judgment of someone else’s intentions, I usually get it wrong.

     In an effort to offer some practical guidance to assist you in this process, I’ll give three questions you can ask yourself the next time a conflict starts to brew:

1) Did they mean what I think they mean?

Maybe they really are angry. Maybe they did mean to insult you. Maybe they want to harm you in some way.

Or, maybe they are hurt. Maybe they didn’t realize that you took their comment personally. Maybe they are reacting to fear with a desire to protect themselves but no desire to harm you. Before you get angry, find a way figure out what they really meant.

2) Is there something going on here that I don’t understand fully?

Are they angry, or are they tired? Did they have a tough night with their sick child last night? Are they sick? Are they frustrated over lack of progress on a project? Any of these issues could cause the stress to push people to say and do things they would not ordinarily say or do. Before you judge too harshly, find out what’s happening in their life.

3) Did I do something to trigger that response in them?

Do I owe them something that is now late? Did they have an expectation of me that I did not meet? Did I say something that they received as an insult or put down? Even if the action was unintentional, any of these could generate a negative response from they other person. Before you decide that they are the problem, check your own past actions.

     Learn to question your perspective. It can take the edge off of your response so that you resolve conflicts faster and more productively.

     Guy Harris, The Recovering Engineer